A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off.
Because, he said; I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Originally posted by LittleBearI love that joke! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Man: Hi there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.
Neighbor 1: Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.
Man: So what is it you do for a living?
Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.
Man: Deductive reasoning, what is that?
Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see y ...[text shortened]... : Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?
Neighbor 2: No.
Man: Fag.
😀😀😀
Originally posted by darvlayLOL - nice one
Q: What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomiac find himself constantly doing?
A: Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
hmm...
more of a funny rhyme, this one:
THE TERMITE:
Some primal termite knocked on wood
and tasted it and found it good
and that is why your aunty May
Fell through the parlour floor today
...
...
...
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears.
With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.
"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day their gonna scream
too late, and we're gonna die."
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Ace Pilot
Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base.
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zero's. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more Japanese plans and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!!"
🙂
Actual epitaphs from real tombstones:
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?"
So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'caress'?" So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bushwith Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam said, "Lord, what's 'making love'?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds... and said, "Lord, what's a 'headache'?"
🙂
Originally posted by CalJustPhew. How did you know I had...nevermind. YOu must be one of them "Chrisitans" I hear so much about....:-)
************************************************
One of the RHP atheists wakes up from anasthesia after his appendectomy and asks why the blinds are shut.
"There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure", the surgeon said.
****************************************
Keep smiling!
(It confuses the s***t out of your opponents!)
How come s**t has 3 *'s?
Just came across this exercise, recommended for the over 40 crowd, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Just don't overdo it.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10Lb potato sacks. Then 25Lb potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50Lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a
full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
A gum-chewing American and a Belgian are sitting together in a restaurant.
The American feels really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation.
He asks the Belgian, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"
"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Belgian.
"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in Belgium."
"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?" "Bien sur! We do," replies the Belgian.
"You don't say!" says the American, grinning. "We don't! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaksthat we sell in Belgium."
Now the Belgian is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans do with their used condoms?
"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.
"Ha!" exclaims the Belgian. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"
😀