What gender are they?
--------------------------
ZIPLOC BAGS
male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE
male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS
female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE
male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER
female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE
male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON
male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES
female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE
female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY
male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up
HOURGLASS
female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER
male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL
female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
🙂
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making expected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Signed,
Desperate Wife
Dear Desperate Wife:
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" .wav files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These applications are not supported and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.
Signed,
Tech Support
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:...
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again... Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:...
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
🙂
Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
😛
The following are from my old truck drivin' buddy Fern Lemire of Beaumont AB, who got them from a cuz of his in Hinton. Enjoy.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5- and 6-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
One little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
🙂
A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.
He asks, Any grounds?
Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.
Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ?
Woman: No, we have a car port.
Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ?
Woman: No,I get up before him.
Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ?
Woman: No, my husband wants it...he says he can't communicate with me !
Originally posted by deathbypawnIf you like that then you'll love the Paris Hilton doll that has a belt buckle that says, "Try me."
did you hear there is a new Barbi doll coming out it is called Divorce Barbi it comes with all of Ken's stuff
Matel also tried to get a Barbie that when you squeezed its belly, a baby came out along with a bunch of koolaid. Thank god that never made it out.
Originally posted by LittleBearSorry to hear that, SmallBear. Wait, LittleBear.
I'm sorry, girls and guys. Today it is the fifth anniversary of the death of my wife. So I am not going to post a joke today.
I think you'll understand.
:'(
Michael (aka LittleBear)
...
I can't come up with a joke either.
Originally posted by LittleBearTruly, a loss of that magnitude cannot be reconciled. It is a space that in a lifetime of lifetimes still remains empty. In those long nights when we weep rivers of tears in absolute loneliness, we are not to be consoled with "time heals all". What do they know??
I'm sorry, girls and guys. Today it is the fifth anniversary of the death of my wife. So I am not going to post a joke today.
I think you'll understand.
:'(
Michael (aka LittleBear)
skeeter
PS: if I sound a bit raw, its coming up 2 years next month.