Originally posted by D43M0Nthanks u for ur support guys!
Sorry to hear that, SmallBear. Wait, LittleBear.
...
I can't come up with a joke either.
Im feeling much better. And In thinking that my wife would be supporting this thread by herself.
Tnanks D43M0N, Sir Lot, Skeete, Crazy...
Here goes another joke!
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KIDS' BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT
1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
🙂
Life goes on...
Michael
Originally posted by LittleBearIndeed, such that it is.
thanks u for ur support guys!
Im feeling much better. And In thinking that my wife would be supporting this thread by herself.
Tnanks D43M0N, Sir Lot, Skeete, Crazy...
Here goes another joke!
---------------------------
Life goes on...
Michael
Michelle
Originally posted by LittleBearHow about a nasty one?
thanks u for ur support guys!
Im feeling much better. And In thinking that my wife would be supporting this thread by herself.
Tnanks D43M0N, Sir Lot, Skeete, Crazy...
Here goes another joke!
---------------------------
KIDS' BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT
1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All Hi ...[text shortened]... Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
🙂
Life goes on...
Michael
Royalchicken and me go to heaven for a day-visit and Peter awaits us at the gate.
We get the grand tour. A room full of beds, in some of the beds there are beings sleeping and some are empty.
"What's this then?" asks Royalchicken as we look upon the room.
"This," explains Peter, "is where the angels sleep when they're not on duty."
And so the tour continues. Room after room after passageway.
Then, at a certain point, we enter a room full of clocks. Under each clock is a name. We stare around the room in wonder. So many clocks!
"What are these clocks for?" asks Royal Chicken.
"Well," explains Peter, "These clocks are masturbation monitors. Everytime someone masturbates, their clock moves on 1 tick."
We continue looking around and eventually I ask: "So, where's Star Valley W's clock then?"
And Peter answers: "We use that in the kitchen as a ventilator."
Originally posted by jimmyb270I agree! Let's keep it on Page 1!!
I'm not funny enough to have a joke, but this thread shouldn't be on page 4, so a little bump is in order I feel.
Here are three quick ones, complements of the Readers Digest.
A mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man responded: “You can’t do this! I’m a well-known politician!”
“In that case”, replied the mugger, “give me my money.”
So a guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, “All right, pal, I’ll let you in but don’t start anything.”
Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy’s got a Doberman, the other has a Chihuahua. The first guy looks up and says, “Hey, here’s our favourite watering hole. Let’s go in and have a drink.”
The second guy says, “Are you kidding? We’ve got our dogs with us. They won’t let us in here.”
“No problem, just follow my lead”. The first man puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to go into the bar.
The manager happens to be standing by the door and says, “Hold it, hold it! You can’t come in here with that dog.”
“Why? He’s my guide dog.”
The manager thinks for a minute and says, “Well, OK, come in.”
The second guy says, “What the heck, I’ll give it a try.” He puts on his dark glasses and walks in.
The manager stops him and says, “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t come in here with that dog.”
“He’s my guide dog.”
“A Chihuahua??”
The guy thinks for a minute and says, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[...]
The following came to me via old friend Basil, of Edmonton. [...]
Earle - Grande Prairie AB
---------------------------
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with his?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Lev. 21:18,20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan
😀
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
A fellow won a new Mercedes-Benz convertible in a raffle, and as soon as he had the plates on, decided to take it out on the Trans-Canada for an evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. But no sooner had the needle reached 140 kmh, when he noticed flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch this new Benz," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 160, 180, and finally 200, but the lights were still close behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he finally thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his licence without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough day and this is the end of my shift. I don't particularly feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for speeding that I haven't heard before, you can go."
Right away, the man goes, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Off you go," said the Mountie.
🙂
A woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stays by his bedside every single day.
When he comes to, he motions for her to come nearer.
As she sits by him, he says: "You've been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business folded you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
He pauses then says: "When I consider all that, I think you bring me bad luck!"
************************************************
One of the RHP atheists wakes up from anasthesia after his appendectomy and asks why the blinds are shut.
"There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure", the surgeon said.
****************************************
A man received a bill from his lawyer which said: "For crossing the street to speak to you and discovering it wasn't you - $50."
Keep smiling!
(It confuses the s***t out of your opponents!)
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a Bacon Tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree.......ees a Ham bush"