This joke goes dedicated to our youngest fan lady and her friends! 🙂
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THE BARBER
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned he trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican, and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel--it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came and sat down beside him.
The boy's hair was yellow and green with orange and purple streaks. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared intensely at him for several minutes.
The boy, becoming agitated with the old man's gaze, said "What's the matter, old man. Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered. "Well, yes, actually I have. Once I got very drunk and had sex with a parrot. I'm just sitting here wondering if you are my son."
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Why God never received tenure at a university in the US:
He only had one major publication.
It had no references.
It was not published in a refereed journal.
There is doubt that he wrote it himself.
It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since?
The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried covering it up by drowning the subjects.
When subjects did not behave as he expected, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class, and just told students to read the book.
He had his son teach class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed the test.
His office hours were infrequent and held at a mountaintop.
🙂
The Frog
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral. "
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?) 😀😀
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane. He turned to
the
boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and
said to
the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know,"
said
the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow! turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified
to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years" No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang
a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before
long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the
banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with very
cold high-pressure water. After a while, another monkey makes an
attempt
with the same result -- all the other monkeys are sprayed with
cold
water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the
stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and
wants to
climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other
monkeys
attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he
tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another
of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer
goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part
in the
punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. None of the monkeys that are beating him have any idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After
replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done
around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers,
"...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?
😀
this little sardine is swimmin round the ocean one day with all the other sardines. he decides to swim away and he comes upon this huge submarine. so he swims back to his mummy real quick and says "hey look". his mummy says, "awww, pay no attention to that, its just a can of people".
A woman, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you..." to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still shovel the driveway!"
Brain Teasers
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? (Hint:... chim chimminy)
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear (my cousin 😀 ) walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
* * * * * * * *
Answers To Brain Teasers
1. The word is: "incorrectly." {Almost cracked your brain, didn't you?}
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh...!
4. The temperature.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is 3.
6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sloppy.}
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks,they all become one big stack.
12. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
🙄
Woman goes to a flea market and sees a magic mirror. The shopkeeper says, "All you have to do is look in the mirror and wish for whatever you want and it will come true."
So she buys the mirror and brings it home and hangs it on the bathroom wall. She stares at her reflection for a moment and then says, "I wish my breasts were MUCH bigger."
Much to her suprize, her bussom quickly bursts from blouse and brazierre. Overjoyed, she runs screaming down the steps...
...boing, boing, boing...
...to her husband on the couch.
"Oh my God!" he exclaimed, "What happened?!"
"Well, I bought this mirror and all you have to do is look into it and wish for whatever you want!"
The man, very excited, runs up the stairs and into the bathroom and looks into the mirror. He drops his pants and says, "I wish my... ahem... thing... could touch the floor."
Suddenly, his shins disapeared.