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Hilarious... ACTUAL NOTICES!
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An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
COME INSIDE AND HAVE A FIT.
This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAYS. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you:
IF YOU WISH FOR BREAKFAST, LIFT THE TELEPHONE AND ASK FOR ROOM SERVICE. THIS WILL BE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR FOOD UP.
A sign at Budapest's zoo requests:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Some German hospitals now display the sign:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED IN THE MATERNITY WARDS.
- Joined
- 26 Apr 03
- Moves
- 26771
(Don't get confused - its not me who's the teacher 🙂 )
Writing skills
How can one doubt the future of literature in America with images like these? As a teacher of writing, I hate to say it, but these ring all too true as examples of the current generation's writing skills. (And these are the kids who are trying.) Enjoy.-
Actual Similes and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
6. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
7. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
9. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm. instead of 7:30.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.
14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River
17. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
27. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
28. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Originally posted by iamatigerthis is the second-funniest thing i've ever read!!!😀😀😀
(Don't get confused - its not me who's the teacher 🙂 )
Writing skills
How can one doubt the future of literature in America with images like these? As a teacher of writing, I hate to say it, but these ring all too true as examples of the current generation's writing skills. (And these are the kids who are trying.) Enjoy.-
Actual Similes and M ...[text shortened]... ng legs.
29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?"
The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."
Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly.
"Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"
"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"
"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"
I think it's unfair that these are all taken as examples of shocking writing. most of them are awful, but a couple of them, perhaps by accident work really well!
I think that this one is clever
5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
These are more funny, but I think that was the idea...
8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
- you can't fail to picture that!
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.
Below are the winners:
4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on our
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the backs of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Originally posted by LittleBearlol, this one had me rolling around on the floor, thanx for that!
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
Originally posted by iamatigerJust remembered what this reminds me of. At the beginning of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams describes the Vogon fleet as:
8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
"Hanging in the air in exactly the same way that bricks don't"
Or something like that anyway.
Top twenty reasons why chocolate is better than SEX
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow" that has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty
names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your work desk during working hours
without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting you face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep you neighbours awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good.
DID YOU KNOW?????
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have Produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG!)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing!)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(personally..i
think its better to be the pig..lol)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
(Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males' head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...."😉
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (does that include some ppl
who like elephants too?)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (.........no comment)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that...)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (and..What about the pig?!)
Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?,Who cares!)
After reading all these, all I can say is..."Damn Pigs"!!!
Some old quotes. I know you have probably heard them all before, but I thought
they might cheer you up.
"Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
~ Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a
date on Saturday night."
~ Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief
among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
~ Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
~ Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other eight are unimportant."
~ George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake a whole relationship."
~ Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
~ Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
~ Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara
had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to
rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
~ Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
~ Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where,
of course, men are just grateful."
~ Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?"
~ Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines,
because men think,
'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
~ Jerry Seinfeld
"instead of getting married again, I'm going to find
a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
~ Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and
a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."