Man: "Doctor, I need some advice, I want to live to be 100 years old, what can I do?"
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "No, never. Never have, never will"
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
Man: "No. Tee-total - always have been"
Doctor: "Do you have a history of promiscuity?"
Man: "Absolutely Not!!"
Doctor: "Then, if you don't mind me asking, why do you want to live to 100?"
There were once 3 old sisters that live together, the eldest was 96, the middle 94 & the youngest 92 years old.
One evening the eldest sister went upstairs early to run a bath. She put in her toe to test the water before getting in, then paused and said to herself "Am I getting in or am I getting out ?...... I can't remember". So she shouted down to the other two "AM I GETTING IN OR AM I GETTING OUT ?".
" What is she on ! " said the middle sister & shouts up "I'M COMING UP". So she gets halfway up the stairs and pauses and says to herself "Am I going up or am I going down ?.....I can't remember". So she shouts down to the youngest sister "AM I GOING UP OR AM I GOING DOWN ?".
" What are those two like !" exclaimed the youngest sister & knocking twice on the coffee table says " Touch wood that I don't get that alzheimers disease like those two" and then shouts up to her two sisters,
"HANG ON A MINUTE, I"LL BE UP AS SOON AS I HAVE ANSWERED THE DOOR."
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.
This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. We should all bear this in mind next time we think we are challenged in our duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
____________________________________________________________
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted and our staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house and is over 400 meters long?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke e-mails we've been receiving".
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
The Buffalo Theory
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
😀
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Another joke, but this time in french! 😀
----------------------------------------------
Voici la conversation de deux bonne soeurs, Soeur-Mathématiques (SM) et Soeur-Logique (SL)...
SL: " Tu as remarqué qu'un type nous suit depuis 10 minutes? "
SM: " Oui, je me demande ce qu'il veut. "
SL: " C'est logique, il veut nous violer... "
SM: " Quelle horreur, et en plus dans 3'47 " il va nous rattraper, que faire? "
SL: " Logique, il faut marcher plus vite... "
Et elles accélèrent un peu pour semer le salaud...
SM: " Ça ne sert à rien... "
SL: " C'est logique, lui aussi il a accéléré... "
SM: " Que faire ? Dans 1'13 " il va nous rattraper... "
SL: " Bon, logiquement si on se sépare, il aura un problème... "
Et elles se séparent... Soeur-Mathématiques à droite, Soeur-Logique à gauche...
L'obsédé décide de suivre SL à gauche et SM rentre au couvent. Elle attend avec impatience l'arrivée de sa consoeur...
Quand finalement Soeur-Logique rentre aussi, elle est assaillie par des questions...
SM: " Dieu soit loué... que s'est-il passé? "
SL: " Je n'avais qu'un choix logique: courir le plus vite possible... "
SM: " Et lui?... "
SL: " Logique, lui aussi s'est mis à courir... "
SM: " Alors...? "
SL: " La suite logique: un homme court plus vite qu'une nonne, il m'a donc rattrapée! "
SM: " Dieu du ciel! Alors? "
SL: " J'ai fait la chose la plus logique,... j'ai soulevé ma jupe "
SM: " ... oh, ma soeur... et lui? "
SL: " Sa réaction fut logique, il a baissé son pantalon... "
SM: " Horreur... et ensuite... "
SL: " Bien, c'est logique!... Une soeur avec la jupe en haut court plus vite qu'un gars avec les pantalons aux chevilles! "
Originally posted by CrowleyThat sounds like something Steven Wright would say, eg 'Is Miles Davis known as "Kilometres David" in Europe?
When Sting retires, do you think he'd then be known as Stung?
Here are some more:
"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
"I lost a button hole today."
"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."
"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."
"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."
"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."
"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."
"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
Originally posted by LittleBearHi,my tutor kept an excuses book for the final two years(15-16) and two of the best are 1: i fell asleep whilst getting dressed and 2: i was watching two hedgehogs having sex and lost track of the time😵
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheet Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch...
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on ...[text shortened]... nd fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
😲🙄😀😀
Originally posted by mateythat person must have been related somehow to one of my students who gave me the following late excuse, a variation on the theme:
1: i fell asleep whilst getting dressed
"i was putting on my sock and hurt my back and had to lie down."
in friendship,
prad