A Man's letter to his wife
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because 6
times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt
you because I felt you move..
Your husband
A woman's response letter to her husband
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't
get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to make it with the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were aiming for the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you past out on top of me and I was
trying to breathe.
Your wife...
Finally...........there is a rhyme to the reason of the strange designation given to bra sizes:
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, here is the answer...
A - Almost Boobs...
B - Barely there.
C - Can't Complain!
D - Damn!
DD - Double damn!
E - Enormous!
F - Fake
The new church sign
The elderly priest, Father Francis was speaking to the younger priest Father
Joe.
Father Francis said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with
plush bucket theater seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."
Father Joe nodded and the Father Francis continued, "And you told me a
little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I
supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are
packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father Francis." The young priest,
answered, "I'm pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"However", said Father Francis, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru Confessional."
"But, Father Francis", protested the young priest. "Attendance at
confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son", replied the old man. "But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n
Tell or Go to Hell', cannot stay up on the church roof.!"
- Joined
- 26 Apr 03
- Moves
- 26771
Originally posted by brown bearYes - They are good ones - I think the teachers comment wasn't exactly saying they were bad though - just very funny.
I think it's unfair that these are all taken as examples of shocking writing. most of them are awful, but a couple of them, perhaps by accident work really well!
I think that this one is clever
5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
These are more funny, but I think that was the idea...
8. The little boat gently drifted across the po ...[text shortened]... hydrant
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
I also like the thought of a woman who walks like a centipede with 98 missing legs!
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell
phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"
I'll put in my share:
Top 10 Excuses for Not Turning in Math Homework
10. It's Isaac Newton's birthday.
9. I couldn't decide whether i is the square root of -1 or i are the square root of -1.
8. I accidently divided by 0 and my paper burst into flames.
7. It's stuck inside a Klein bottle.
6. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.
5. I had too much pi and got sick.
4. Someone already published it, so I didn't bother to write it up.
3. A four-dimensional dog ate it.
2. I have a solar calculator and it was cloudy.
1. There wasn't enough room to write it in the margin. 😀
More of these math-jokes: http://www.stetson.edu/~efriedma/mathhumor.html
This is apparently a true story:
The USS Nimitz (big ol' US aircraft carrier) was sailing along when the radar operator spotted a small blip on his screen. He let the Captain know there was a contact ahead in their way. The captain got on his radio and said 'unidentified contact, you are in our way, please move' (or something along those lines).
The contact replied in the negative, telling Nimitz it should change it's course.
The captain was more than a little peeved by this so, haughtily, he grabbed up the radio mike and said 'Unidentified contact, we are the USS Nimitz, the most powerful warship in the most powerful navy in the world, you will move out of our way'
The contact replied (it's a good'un, wait for it):
'USS Nimitz, we are a lighthouse, it's your call'
My dad's always telling me that the old 'uns are the good'uns, so here's a few classics:
A horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman says 'sure, but why the long face?'
A bear walks into a bar and says; 'Can I have a pint of Best and....................a packet of crisps please?'
The barman says 'sure, but why the big pause?'
A smartie walks into a bar and announces that he is the toughest sweet in the world. The barman is impressed by his boldness and gives him a drink on the house.
Just as he is about to take a sip, an extra strong mint walks in, pushes the smartie out of the way and claims that he is the toughest sweet in the world. The barman is even more impressed and lets the strong mint have the drink.
A few minutes later, a Tune walks into the bar. The smartie and the extra strong mint leg it for the toilet. Fifteen minutes later they peek out and see that the Tune has gone.
The barman is shocked.
"But you both claimed to be the toughest sweets," he says, "that guy didn't look tough, why did you hide?"
Oh, he's not that tough," says the smartie, "he's just menthol"
A piece of pavement walks into a bar.
"I'm the toughest piece of tarmac in the world. Thousands of people walk over me every day" he says loudly. The barman is impressed and pulls him a pint on the house.
A little later a slightly bigger, more worn piece of tarmac walks in and pushes the pavement out of the way.
"I'm the toughest piece of tarmac in the world, I'm from the M1, thousands of cars drive over me every day" he says. The barman is even more impressed and pulls another pint, giving it to the tarmac on the house.
A few minutes later a smaller, red piece of tarmac walks in and the pavement and the M1 tarmac both run for the toilet. Half an hour later, they poke their heads around the corner and see that he is gone. They come out and the barman is a bit shocked by their behaviour.
"What's up guys?" he says,"I thought you were both tough, he was only a small piece of tarmac."
"Yeah, he's not that tough," says the pavement, "it's just that he's a cycle path"
# 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
# 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
# 3 - A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stikkup.Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, She told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.
# 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. (this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
# 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber Said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
# 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
# 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
# 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that all these people are allowed to vote in the USA!
After a year of scientific research, the world's funniest joke has been revealed. The British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favourite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings. Here's the winner:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He shouts to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, reassuring voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The hunter picks up the phone again and says, "OK, now what?"
Americans and Canadians favoured jokes where people were made to look stupid. Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
Europeans liked jokes that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage: A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' "But instead my mouth opened and I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Marriage also featured in the top American joke: "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and lowers his head in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow!!! that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.' "The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
Death earned big laughs in Scotland: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
The survey revealed other fun facts: - Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least. - If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck. - The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
A joke in french.... 🙂
Des infos totalement inutiles mais toujours bien drôles!
SAVIEZ-VOUS QUE :
* Il est impossible de lécher son coude.
* Un crocodile ne peut sortir sa langue.
* Le coeur d'une crevette est logé dans sa tête.
* Une étude de près de 200 000 autruches, pendant plus de 80 ans, ne rapporte aucun cas où on aurait vu une autruche se mettre la tête dans le sable.
* Les porcs ne sont physiquement pas capables de regarder le ciel.
* Plus de 50% des gens, à travers le monde, n'ont jamais fait ou n'ont jamais reçu d'appels téléphoniques.
* Les rats et les chevaux ne peuvent vomir.
* Si vous éternuez trop fort, vous pourriez vous casser une côte.
* Si vous tentez de retenir un éternuement, vous pourriez causer le bris d'une veine au cerveau ou dans votre nuque et mourir.
* Si, de force, vous gardez vos yeux ouverts lorsque vous éternuez, ils pourraient sortir des orbites.
* Les rats se multiplient si rapidement qu'en 18 mois, un couple de rats peut avoir plus d'un million de descendants.
* Le briquet a été inventé avant l'allumette.
* 35% des gens qui utilisent les annonces personnelles des journaux jour trouver compagnon ou compagne sont déjà mariés.
* À travers le monde, 23% des problèmes aux photocopieurs sont causés par des gens qui s'assoient sur l'appareil pour photocopier leur derrière.
* Pendant la durée moyenne d'une vie, une personne qui dort avalera 70 insectes et 10 araignées.
* La plupart des "rouges à lèvres" contiennent des écailles de poisson.
* Comme les empreintes digitales, l'empreinte de la langue est différente chez chaque personne.
* Et 75% des gens qui lisent ceci auront tenté de lécher leur coude.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
😀
Originally posted by LittleBeardo you realy have time to posting jokes? How many hours u stay in ur computer?:🙄
yes, it is a good advice, of course... 😀
But here at Buenos Aires is only 6:20 am... Oh my, I have to go to bed! I will be sleeping 'til 2 or 3 pm... (I'm yet on vacations... 😀)
A bear hug
Michael (aka LittleBear)
P.S.: oh my, where did I put my pot o'hunny? :'( 😴
Have you heard about the new viagra eye drops? They make you look hard.
What about the man who drowned in his muesli? Police say he was pulled under by a strong currant.
What's ET short for? Because he only has little legs.
Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Did you know that if you give a dog loads of H2O it becomes K9P?
What goes: "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"? A parity error.
Did you know there are 10 types of people in the world? Those who understand binary, and those who don't.