A farmer who was visiting his lawyer for the purpose of making his will, insisted that a final request be attached to the document. The request was that the family pickup truck be buried with him after he died. His lawyer tried to make him see how absurd that was, but failed, so he asked the man's wife to use her influence with him. She did the best she could, but she also failed.
"Well, John," she said finally, "tell me why you want your pickup buried with you?"
"Because I never have got in a hole," he said, "that the pickup couldn't pull me out of."
A man goes up to the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When motioned, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the Minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his Wife with the hat pin yet again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him His 99th son?" As Mrs. Jones screamed, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A little girl walks down the street
when suddenly she sees a fairy
lying on the road
She runs up to the fairy and picks it up
and helps it find it's way home
The fairy is very thankfull
and sais to the little girl
i will grant you 3 wishes
The little girl sais
hmmmm first i want
a suitcase full of peppermint coines
The fairy grants this
and the girl eats them
Then the girl asks for anothere
suitcase full of peppermint coines
but this time with something to stop
tummyaches as she just ate too much
The fairy grants this wish
and the girl eats the coines
Finally the girl makes her last wish
i want infinite more wishes
she sais
The fairy looks puzzled and asks
why didn't you ask that first
and the little girl replies
'Cos now i will have infinite and two!'
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School in Basra and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W. Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of math instruction.
😀 😀 😀
Originally posted by LittleBearI know that my last joke can deeply offend some people.
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School in Basra and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of ...[text shortened]... ndeed possessed weapons of math instruction.
😀 😀 😀
But I feel like if we arent capable to laugh from our own errors - because we are HUMANS - and then, we'll never learn from them, our own terrible errors.... If we'll do so, we'll not repeat them!
So, my apologies if anyone feels offended.
In my humble opinion, its a lesson that all of us must to learn. Take this with a littlle quote of humour, please.
Michael (aka LittleBear)
EDIT: please forgive me my horrible command of english language!
This is a thread for humour, jokes, and the like.... Lets go, and enjoy it!
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the back of the barracks. He asked hi sergeant what this animal was for. The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain thinks about this, and says, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I suppose it's all right with me." After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very frustrated himself. Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfies, and was buttoning his pants up, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town."
A pirate walked into a bar, the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I am fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle, I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I am fine, really."
"So, what about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day, we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up, and one of the birds pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye from some bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."
Grade 1s
A grade one teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids (6 year olds), because the last one is classic!
Better to be safe than......................punch a grade 7 boy.
Strike while the ..........................insect is close.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..............you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
And the favourite:
Better late than............................pregnant!
PS: This post is mainly to bring this Thread back to the front page!! It doews not deserve to be on Page 3 😀😀😉
3 golfers on a golf corse:
moses
jesus
and a mysterious stranger
moses goes up first - he hits the ball smoothly into the sky but it curves down and lands in the lake.
but... just as it is about to go under water... THE WATERS PART, A LIGHT SHINES DOWN and the ball rolls through the lake and into the hole.
jesus steps up - he too hits it towards the lake, but suddenly... THE BALL GLOWS AND STARTS TO HOVER SLOWLY OVER THE LAKE... and lands in the hole
finaly the mysterious stranger steps up, a slight smile on his face.
he wacks the ball high up into the air where it... hits a bird, bounces of a passing leaf thats floating in the wind, bounces of the shell of a tortoise, hits a tree, rolls down the bark, falls in the lake, gets swallowed by a fish, which coughes it back onto the shore where a slight breeze carries it past the hole, rebounds of a twig and roles back into the hole.
the stranger smiles and sits down, but moses gets up and quietly says to jesus:
'your dad is such a show off...'
😉
Taken from Q&A in NEW SCIENTIST magazine:
Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness beer and milk alone. Is this true, or even partially true?
A. This is not quite true. Guinness does contain many vitamins and minerals in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as well as calcium and fat.
So, to fulfil all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of Guinness.
🙂
As the last was too short... 🙂
Chocolate and Viagra
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing,"he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
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