So, one day Bob Vila dies. And, due to a computer error or some other such nonsense, he is mistakenly sent to Hell. When he gets there, he immediately offers the devil his assistance in restoring the place.
"You know, Satan," says Bob, "I could really fix things up down here. Maybe some vaulted ceilings, a wrap-around deck, jacuzi, this place will be great!"
Satan, unable to resist, allow Bob to begin work on rennovating Hell. That night the phone rings. It's God.
"Hello. God, is that you?"
"Yes, Satan it has been a while. Now, I'm calling about Bob Vila."
"Oh yeah, he's great. Best sinner in a thousand years."
"Well, you see, now, that's the thing. There was a mix-up and... well... he's supposed to be here. In Heaven."
"I... see."
"So, I'm gunna need you to just go ahead and send him back up here and..."
"No, God, I don't think I'll be doing that. You see, he's already begun work on the place, and it looks really good and--"
"Satan, you don't understand. In ten thousand years, we have never made a mistake. We need Bob Vila up here as soon as possible."
"Well, I'm afraid he has to stay here."
"I insist. You see, the man is hardly a sinner and--"
"Look, you wuss, just forget it. I'm keeping him."
God is getting flustered. "You better send him up here RIGHT NOW! If I don't see Bob Vila at the Pearly Gates in half an hour, I'm going to sue you!"
"Oh yeah?!" says Satan, "Where are you going to find a lawyer?!" (hangs up)
Originally posted by Talem16
do you realy have time to posting jokes? How many hours u stay in ur computer?:🙄
Oh no! 🙂 I have *that* time only while in vacations...
Now, I'm back at work, and I spend (approx) 16 hours a day in front of a computer! (50% work/50% surfing, playing et al...)!
Michael
Blonde moments
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes,
it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
......................................................................
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to
you?"
.....................................................................
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are you aware that I could
cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the busagain!"
......................................................................
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,"PULL
OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
..................
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"
........................................................
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"
.........................................................
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for heads, and, no, for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen
desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers!"
.......................................
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooo!," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
🙄
bill gates, george bush, and vladimir putin ( the head of russia) go up to god. he tells them that the world will be ruined in 7 days and they need to go tell their people. george bush goes to america and says i have good news and bad news. the good news is that there is a god the bad news that he will destroy the world in 7 days. vladimir putin goes to russia and says i have bad news and very bad news the bad news is that there is a god and the even worse news that god will destroy the world in 7 days. bill gates goes to microsoft and says i have good news and great news the good news is that their is a god and the great news is that we dont have too upgrade windows
The Slow Pawn would like to contribute to the best Thread at RHP - Feel free to recommend if you like the jokes and apologies if there is the occasional repetition
Head study
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Chainsaw
An Irishman walks into a hardware store and complains to the shop assistant saying that the chainsaw he had bought did not work properly. The Irishman said the chainsaw was supposed to saw at least 60 trees down a day but his only sawed down 40 a day. So the shop assistant took a look at the chainsaw, pulled the starter motor string to which the chainsaw made its usual chugging chainsaw noise. The Irishman replied, "What the feck is that noise".
I love you
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Darling, this man hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him and make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Darling, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck ... he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you too."
Are you a vet?
One day an elderly gentleman was taking his dog for a leisurely walk on a nearby beach. Both were enjoying the fine weather and sea breeze, when suddenly, the dog started to "yelp!" and lose its swimming abilities. "Oh my god" thought the man, "I can't swim, so I can't save it." He thought there was no escape when, from out of the blue, came running down the beach a big German tourist, ripping his clothes off and diving into the water to save the dog. He pulled it from the water and gave it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and thankfully the dog began breathing again. The owner was so overwhelmed and overjoyed he ran over to the German tourist and said: "Are you a vet?" The German tourist replied: "Vet, I'm bloody soaking!"
At the zoo
It's a beautiful spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell him you have a headache !!!!!!"
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Kosovian hero
Liverpool were doing dreadful in the premier league so one morning Gerard Houllier pulled his head scout in the office; "I want you to go out and get me the best striker there is" So off went the scout, three weeks had passed and he had travelled all over Europe and America but hadn't found what he'd been looking for. As a last result he paid a visit to a small league game in Kosovo. His prayers were answered, in the first half of the match he watched a 16 year old lad take on the whole team five times to score with both feet, a header and a free kick from 40 yards out. The same happened in the second half and the scout decided he was "the one". He called Gerrard and explained about this wonder boy to which Gerrard replied "get him, just get him, we'll set him up in a nice little apartment in Liverpool and pay him well, just get him!!" This he did and the following Saturday Liverpool were losing 3-0 at Old Trafford at half time. Houllier decided to send on his new found wonder boy and gave him a run out. Within 20 minutes Liverpool were winning 4-3 and the Kosovian hero had scored all four!! This went on for the next few games and the whole country loved this guy. He was happy and couldn't believe how much his life had turned around so he called his mum. "Mum, have you heard, I'm a national hero, I'm the top scorer, I've got a 5 year contract and I'm earning ?0k a week" "You selfish bugger" she replied "only yesterday your sister was raped, your father was mugged and shot and the house has been burnt down" He replied "but mum, how is all this my fault?"
"It was you who made us move to Liverpool"!!!!
Hedgehog
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? - To see his flat mate!
US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
The Best Comeback Line Ever
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
Und noch ein paar Deutsch Witze ...
Ein Mann geht am Strand in Sylt entlang, als ihm plötzlich eine Fee erscheint. Die Fee sagt zu ihm, das er einen Wunsch frei hat. Freudig ruft der Mann, das er gerne einmal nach Amerika möchte. Die Fee wundert sich warum der Mann so einen einfachen Wunsch äußert, und fragt ihn danach. Daraufhin antwortet der Mann das er schreckliche Flugangst hat, und bei jeder Schiffsfahrt kotzen müsste. Die Fee schaut verwundert, also muss man eine Straße zwischen Sylt und Amerika bauen. Die Fee, fragt den Mann ob er sich nicht etwas einfacheres wünschen kann, schließlich würde so ein Damm ja sehr schwer zu erbauen sein. Der Mann daraufhin zur Fee :
Ich möchte gerne mal die Frauen in meinem Leben verstehen !!!
Die Fee : Die Autobahn zwei oder vierspurig ???
Zwei mal zwei
Stelle ein paar Personen die Frage: "Was ist 2*2" und Du wirst folgende Antworten erhalten:
Der Ingenieur zückt seinen Taschenrechner, rechnet ein bißchen und meint schließlich: "3,999999999"
Der Physiker: "In der Größenordnung von 1*10^1"
Der Mathematiker wird sich einen Tag in seine Stube verziehen und dann freudestrahlend mit einen dicken Bündel Papier ankommen und behaupten:
"Das Problem ist lösbar!"
Der Logiker: "Bitte definiere 2*2 präziser."
Der Hacker bricht in den NASA-Supercomputer ein und läßt den rechnen.
Der Psychiater: "Weiß ich nicht, aber gut, das wir darüber geredet haben..."
Der Buchhalter wird zunächst alle Türen und Fensterschließen, sich vorsichtig umsehen und fragen: "Was für eine Antwort wollen Sie hören?"
Der Jurist: "4, aber ich ich weiß nicht, ob wir vor Gericht damit durchkommen."
Der Politiker: "Ich verstehe ihre Frage nicht..."
Sie liegen im Bett und haben super Sex...
Sie zu Ihm ... Los sag was dreckiges ...
ER: Küche !!!
Als ein Mann sein Stammlokal verließ, beobachtete er eine ungewöhnliche Begräbnis-Prozession die sich dem nahe gelegenen Friedhof näherte. Einem langen schwarzen Leichenwagen folgte im Abstand von fünzig Metern ein zweiter.
Hinter dem zweiten Leichenwagen ging allein ein Mann mit seinem Pit Bull. Gefolgt von 200 Mannern. Der Mann konnte seiner Neugier nicht widerstehen. Er näherte sich respektvoll dem Mann mit dem Hund, 'Ich möchte Ihnen mein Beileid aussprechen und Sie sind sicherlich traurig über Ihren Verlust, und ich weiß es ist jetzt sicherlich nicht angebracht, Sie zu stören, aber ich habe noch nie so ein Begräbnis gesehen.
Wessen Begrabnis ist es?' Der Mann antwortete: 'Kein Problem, im ersten Leichenwagen
befindet sich meine Frau.'
'Was ist mit Ihr geschehen?'
'Mein Hund griff an und tötete sie.'
Er erkundigte sich weiter:
'Aha, und wer befindet sich im zweiten Leichenwagen?'
Der Mann antwortete: 'Meine Schwiegermutter. Sie versuchte, meiner Frau zu helfen, als der Hund auch sie tötete.'
'Kann ich den Hund borgen?'
'OK, aber stellen sie sich bitte hinten an
Einer der besten !!!
Subject: Grillsamstag ...
Der typische Grill-Samstag in Deutschland:
10.00 Uhr: Aufstehen
10.05 Uhr: Blick auf's Außenthermometer. 20* oder mehr: TOP!
10.06 Uhr: Blick aus dem Fenster. Blauer Himmel und Sonne: OBER-TOP!
10.10 Uhr: Frühstück (aufgetaute Brötchen) und Zigarette.
10.30 Uhr: Klo gehen.
11.00 Uhr: Turnhose, Tennissocken und Badeschlappen anziehen und den Hof
fegen! Oberkörper nackend. Handy nicht vergessen!!!
11.30 Uhr: Das Pülleken haben wir uns jetzt aber verdient!
12.00 Uhr: Altglas und Altpapier zum Container bringen.
12.10 Uhr: Das Grillen beschließen. Ehefrau mitteilen: "Sollten heute mal
grillen!" Danach etwas streiten, ob Gäste einladen oder nicht. Anschließend
Gäste antelefonieren oder ansimsen.
13.00 Uhr: Formel-1-Training gucken!
13.30 Uhr: Wegnickern (Ermattet vom Pülleken und vom Streit mit Ehefrau).
14.30 Uhr: Wachwerden vom Blagengeschrei.
14.35 Uhr: Rein ins Auto und ab zum Supermarkt (Oberkörper nicht mehr nackend).
14.55 Uhr: Wir kaufen: 5 Sixpack Thüringer, 20 Schnitzel, 15 Bauchfleisch,
5 Kisten Herforder (Ist Pflicht beim Grillen), jeweils ne Stiege Jägermeister
und Feigling, 2 Baguettes und diverse Klein-Zerealien (Saucen,
Silberzwiebeln, Gürkchen, Eimer-Kartoffelsalat...) Die Holzkohle kaufen wir
für teuer Geld an der Tanke, weil sie im Supermarkt schon ausverkauft war.
Scheiße, wir verpassen die Bundesliga! Jetzt aber Gas !!! Ist ja Samstag!
Warum lachen die beiden Schnösel im Z3 nur so dämlich? Doch nicht etwa über
unsere Badeschlappen? Blöde Schwuchteln!
15.30 Uhr: Zurück zu hause. Vorbereitungen abgeschlossen. Rest macht
Schatzi. Manfred von gegenüber steht vor der Tür, kommt zum Bier- und
Premiereschnorren vorbei (Bleibt bis 2.00 Uhr nachts!) Fußball fängt an.
Das Pülleken haben wir uns jetzt aber verdient!
18.00 Uhr: Stefan und Carmen kommen samt Köter und Videokamera. Stefan muß
schon leicht einen sitzen haben, denn Carmen durfte heute den 3er fahren!
Naja, er wird wohl auch Bundesliga geguckt haben.
18.22 Uhr (Wir hatten 18.00 Uhr gesagt!): Bollek und Steffi sind da.
Und Dennis, das Mistblag. Er beginnt ohne Umschweife, Köters Geduld durch das
Hinhalten und Wegziehen einer rohen Bratwurst auf die Probe zu stellen
doch nach einem wütenden Knurren und einem leichten Schnappen nach Dennis
Waden haben wir dank Köter erstmal´ne ganze Weile Ruhe.
18.45 Uhr: Schatzi bringt das Grillfleisch und den obligatorischen Salat,
ich schmeiße das Fegefeuer an. Gar nicht so leicht, aber mit Hilfe des
Reservekanisters aus Stefans 3er geht's dann doch noch.
19.00 Uhr: Über dem ganzen Wohngebiet schwebt eine einzige Qualmwolke.
Alle grillen. Alle saufen. Die Ersten gröhlen schon den "Westerwald".
19.15 Uhr: Die erste Fuhre ist fast fertig. Nur noch ein Spritzer Bier
auf den Rost, hach, was duftet das lecker!
19.20 Uhr: Steffi hat ihre Bratwurst verdrückt und behauptet, sie sei
satt. Sie wischt ihre Fettfinger in der Serviette ab und nippt an ihrem
Mineralwasser. Dumme Kuh. Spielverderberin. Aber kein Wunder, seit
ein er Stunde hatte sie Baguettestückchen um Baguettestückchen in die
Knoblauchsauce gedipt und ununterbrochen, geradezu orgiastisch "KÖSTLICH"
geplärrt. Jetzt macht sie auf Diät. Egal, wir anderen fressen, was das Zeug hält.
21.25 Uhr: Das letzte Schnitzel ist vernichtet. Köter lutscht die letzte
Bratwurst. Mistblag Dennis ist glücklicherweise eingeschlafen, ich hatte
ihm ein Körnchen in seine Fanta gemischt. Zwei Reihenhäuser weiter prügelt
sich Mehmet mit einem alten Oppa. Ich serviere Jägermeister. Die Damen
bleiben bei Feigling. Steffi nippt immer noch Mineralwasser. Immerhin hat sie
in der Zwischenzeit ihre Bluse aufgeknöpft!
22.13 Uhr: Bier is alle (ich hatte Manfred nicht einkalkuliert). Steffi
muß ihr Wasser mal kurz beiseite stellen. Sie ist die einzige, die noch
fahrtüchtig ist und zur Tanke muß.
22.15 Uhr: Stefan holt Gitarre von drüben. Wir singen erst "Bolle" und
anschließend "Wir lagen vor Madagaskar"...
22.30 Uhr: Müssen kurzfristig auf härte Sachen umsteigen, bis Steffi "
Ich find' den zweiten Gang nicht" mit'm Bier zurück ist...
22.42 Uhr: Steffi is' zurück. Das Pülleken haben wir uns jetzt aber verdient!
22.57 Uhr: Manfred zeigt Popo. Carmen filmt.
23.41 Uhr: Stefan kotzt in die Fuchsien.
23.57 Uhr: Keine Lust mehr zum Singen. Legen AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"
auf und drehen Volume auf Max !
00.02 Uhr: Wo zum Teufel sind meine Badeschlappen?
00.14 Uhr: Bollek fällt um.
00.36 Uhr: Die Polizei ist da. Hauptmeister Karsunke (auch ein Griller!)
und Oberkommissar Böckwemser. Müssen AC/DC ausmachen...
01.48 Uhr: Die Polizei geht. Jetzt ist auch der Jägermeister alle. Steffi
fährt die ganze Bagage nach Hause.
02.00 Uhr: Schatzi geht ins Bett, ich schleppe Manfred rüber in seinen
Vorgarten. Pinkelt in Sandkasten.
02.02 Uhr: Sind bei Manfred im Partykeller, das Pülleken haben wir uns
jetzt aber verdient.
02.34 Uhr: Wieder zu Hause. Krabbel ins Bett, wecke Schatzi und frage:
"SEXXXXXX???????"
An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Starr; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged 1889."
In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus's picture is cropped, scanned in as an enlarged image, and edited with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Did you ever wonder about.....
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
How about the first guy to try a chicken egg? Do you consider him brave?
How many tries before he cooked it?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (Come on say it!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If it's a 50 mph wind, and you drive your car 50 mph downwind, and you stick your head out the window, do you feel the wind?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
(I'll bet you sang those two songs above just to see if the tune was the same!)
This is in French...
---------------------
On trouve, sur une île déserte et merveilleuse mais perdue au milieu du Pacifique :
Deux Italiens et une Italienne.
Deux Français et une Française.
Deux Allemands et une Allemande.
Deux Grecs et une Grecque.
Deux Anglais et une Anglaise.
Deux Bulgares et une Bulgare.
Deux Suédois et une Suédoise.
Deux Irlandais et une Irlandaise.
Deux Russes et une Russe.
Deux Suisses et une Suissesse.
Un mois plus tard sur cette merveilleuse île déserte, voici ce qui s'est passé:
a) Un Italien a fait assassiner l'autre Italien pour l'Italienne.
b) Les deux Français et la Française forment un très harmonieux ménage à trois.
c) Les deux Allemands se partagent les faveurs de l'Allemande, en respectant rès scrupuleusement l'alternance hebdomadaire.
d) Les deux Grecs couchent ensemble et la Grecque fait la cuisine et le ménage.
e) Les deux Anglais attendent désespérément que quelqu'un veuille bien avoir l'obligeance de leur présenter l'Anglaise.
f) Les deux Bulgares, après avoir jeté un regard à la Bulgare et scrupuleusement observé l'horizon désespérément ont finalement décidé de tenter leur chance à la nage...
g) Les deux Suédois spéculent toujours sur les vertus du suicide alors que la Suédoise use et abuse des bains de soleil pour mettre en valeur son corps et son féminisme, en répétant inlassablement que, au moins, ici, il ne neige pas et il n'y a pas d'impôts.
h) Les Irlandais ont commencé par diviser l'île en Nord et Sud et ont installé une distillerie au centre. L'important pour eux, c'est que les Anglais n'en aient pas une goutte !!! Quant au sexe, considérant après quelques litres de whisky-coca qu'il règne une sorte de brouillard épais sur l'île, la question ne se pose même pas.
i) Le premier Russe a épousé la femme russe et a divorcé peu après. Il est le meilleur client de la distillerie irlandaise. Le second Russe s'est fait un peu d'argent en tuant un des deux Italiens et en négociant les visas de sortie des deux Bulgares. Avec cet argent, il a acquis 33,3 % des parts de la distillerie irlandaise, obtenu une licence de vente exclusive pour les Anglais et a engagé un Grec comme endeur. Il emploie de plus les Allemands comme gardes du corps pour lui et sa fiancée russe en promettant à la Bulgare le poste de nurse pour son premier enfant. Enfin, il prend régulièrement des cours d'anglais avec la Suédoise.
j) Les trois Suisses, quant à eux, ont clôturé leur lopin de terre, l'ont baptisé Grütli et ont fait le serment de rester, dans toute cette affaire, parfaitement neutres.
L'Europe est en marche...
😀
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."