These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.
"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I here that St Patrick was a shift lifter."
"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.
With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and here he was a pervert too."
"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.
"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"
The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."
There's three dogs, a Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a great-looking female Collie strolls in. She comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can have their way with me."
Quickly, the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She laughs and says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says,
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
thats all i can be bothered to right tonight guys i will put more in tommorow
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Lawyers - Don't you love em?
In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
😀
Crude, but funny.
A man is walking along, and beside a building, see a ladder with the sign "Ladder to Success".
The man starts climbing. After a couple of mintues of climbing, he looks in a window, and sees a butt-ugly woman. The woman says "You can screw me, or climb to success.". The man keeps climbing.
After a little more time climbing, the man looks in a window, and sees an average woman. "You can screw me, or climb to success.". He keeps climbing.
After a little while longer, he looks in another window, and sees the hottest woman alive. "You can screw me, or climb to success.". He contemplates this, but keeps climbing.
As he gets to the top of a ladder, he sees a man. He gets in through the window.
The man says "Hi, I'm Cess."
Read the last bit out loud if you have to.
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive!She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
😛
Originally posted by LittleBearFunniest joke in this thread, so far.
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive!She lives for ten more years and then dies ...[text shortened]... he casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
😛
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.
Originally posted by KneverKnightLOL at that!
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.