Two turtles living in South Africa decide to walk all the way across Africa to Cairo.They cross deserts,nearly get eaten by various tribes,threatened by poisonous snakes,you get the idea.After 18 years they get to Cairo and they are bloody thirsty.They enter the first pub and order two cold ones.The one turtle says:"Toby get the wallet and pay"To which Toby replies:"I dont have the wallet.You have it."Turns out they left the wallet back in South Africa.Eventually it is decided Toby will fetch the wallet but only if Trevor promises not to have any beer until Toby gets back as they have to celebrate together.Trevor agrees to this.......
After 9 years of staring at the beer in front of him he just couldnt take it anymore.As he lifted the glass to take a sip Toby peaks round the corner and yells:"Got you!Good thing I didnt walk all the way back. I knew you were going to do that!!"
Hahahaha,good one Dr.Brain.This is one of my favorites,got it from some warmovie.It's World War 2, a British pilot crashes in Nazi Germany territory and gets captured.He's badly wounded,but the Germans take care of him well,and he is holding on to life.However,after 2 days,his infected right leg needs to be amputated.The pilot agrees to this,but requests they throw his leg out of a plane above British soil.The Germans are nice,and agree.After 5 days,his left arm has to be amputated.He agrees,but again makes the same request,which the Germans grant.The 6th day his left foot needs to be amputated.Again things go as before,when bombing London,the Germans throw his foot out.On the 9th day,his right hand needs to be amputated.Again,he makes the same request.But,now the answer is "NO!We can no longer allow this!".The perplexed pilot,who really wants his remains to be on British soil,asks: "But,why not?You have done it before.What's the problem?"Says the German hauptmann: "We think you are trying to escape!"
lol, been some good ones. As I've been allowed back in i'll try another, I hope the majority of you know what a kiwi accent sounds like...
One day a farmer decided he needed a hand around the place, so he put an add in the paper for part time work. A few days later a kiwi bloke turned up, and after giving him a quick look over the farmer hired him on the spot. "Ok mate" the farmer said "I need you to milk old daisy and put her in the south paddock, then i want you round up the sheep and shear 'em". The kiwi fella said that was fine and off he went.
Well about 4 hours later the farmer started to wonder what had happened to his farm hand, thinking that perhaps he was having a bit of trouble with the sheep. But when he entered the shearing shed there was the kiwi ...molesting the sheep from behind.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???" said the farmer, obviously a little distressed "I TOLD YOU TO SHEAR 'EM YA BASTARD".
"Shear 'em??" said the kiwi "I ain't shearing 'em with anybody!"
Originally posted by dyltypical Australian that was.
lol, been some good ones. As I've been allowed back in i'll try another, I hope the majority of you know what a kiwi accent sounds like...
One day a farmer decided he needed a hand around the place, so he put an add in the paper for part time work. A few days later a kiwi bloke turned up, and after giving him a quick look over the farmer hired him on the ...[text shortened]... EAR 'EM YA BASTARD".
"Shear 'em??" said the kiwi "I ain't shearing 'em with anyone!"
OK, here's another Kiwi joke:
A high-flying Auckland lawyer went duckshooting in rural Canterbury
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove by on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this paddock and now I'm going to retrieve it.
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the southern hemisphere. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canterbury".
We settle small disagreements like this with the Mehrtens Three Kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's the Mehrtens Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old bloke, so agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Jaffa.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into some fresh cowmuck.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his flash jacket, he said, "Okay, you old sod. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
OK, I've thought of another one.
Lets see if I can remember this:
A man is on his death bed with his wife sitting by his side. Soon the end is near and he calls his wife near. "Before I die, I need to have a clear conscience", he says. "Shh", says the wife, "don't worry, you need to rest". "No, I really want to confess", says the man "I slept with your sister". "Shh, quiet" says the woman. "Also, I slept with your best friend" say the man. "Don't worry yourself" says the wife. "And your mother" says the man. "I know, I know" says the wife "That's why I poisoned you".
A guy's car broke down and it is already too late to call a mechanic.He spots a farm a little ahead and thinks he might stay there 'till next morning.The farmer,a little old man,agrees.But,he says,if you lay one hand on my daughter I will torture you the chinese way,that's the worst torture a man can think of!Ok,says the guy,that can't be too difficult.Before they go to bed the farmer invites the guy to share his meal.Of course,the daughter is there as well.What a girl!A real beauty!The guy can't stop staring at her,and she's trying to seduce him!But remembering the old man's threats he manages to control himself and goes to bed alone.However,he can't sleep and no longer able to hold it he sneaks over to her room.After a wild,passionate night he sneaks back into his room and sleeps a few hours.When he awakes there's a big rock on his chest with a note attched: 'Chinese torture 1,big rock on chest'.Haha,if that's all the old guy can do,I don't have to worry.He takes the rock and throws it out the window.On the wall next to the window there's a note: 'Chinese torture 2,rock tied to right testicle.Oops,I better jump out the window,better to have a broken limb.He jumps and when he almost hits the ground he sees a note: 'Chinese torture 3,left testicle tied to bed'!
Originally posted by SirLoseALot😀 😀 😀
A guy's car broke down and it is already too late to call a mechanic.He spots a farm a little ahead and thinks he might stay there 'till next morning.The farmer,a little old man,agrees.But,he says,if you lay one hand on my daughter I will torture you the chinese way,that's the worst torture a man can think of!Ok,says the guy,that can't be too difficu ...[text shortened]... when he almost hits the ground he sees a note: 'Chinese torture 3,left testicle tied to bed'!