Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man. Go away!" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirtfront and yells at him; Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(It's a beauty)
(Wait for it, say it in a Chinese accent)
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy pub for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a bloke stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and then try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
I can't remember this word for word, but I was told (unreliably) that it was a true story.
Following is a conversation taken from the records of the Canadian coast guard after a run in with the American navy on a rather foggy night.
US navy ship: You are advised to change course in order to avoid a collision.
Coastguard: Negative on that, this is the Canadian coast guard and you are advised to change course.
US navy ship: This a naval destroyer of the United States of America. You will change course or face the consequences.
Coastguard: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Dear Help Desk
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5 and Footie 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help.
Joe
------------
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\I-APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the 'Esc' key. It may be necessary to run C:\I-APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not under any circumstances install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Best of luck
Tech Support
Originally posted by T1000I've used girlfriend 7.0 for about 14 years now, and it will auto-upgrade to wife 1.0 on September 4th 2004.
Dear Help Desk
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system i ...[text shortened]... ication for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Best of luck
Tech Support
From what I understand, girlfriend 7.0 running for the past 6 years has been very similar to wife 1.0... so there will be little difference at all.
belive it or not, she has been running as Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 for the past 8 years, but will upgrade herself to full-partner 2.0 with children some time after 2004.
I also got a low romance warning pop up last night, so I need to run out and get Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0 if I expect these programs to keep running properly.
Gah!
😲
Originally posted by royalchickenThere once was a thread about cheating.
I feel I must raise a song,
To someone, so nobly wrong.
Who won't hear the logic,
Of those pedagogic
Arguments, so solid and strong.
😀 😉 Sorry...
royalchicken said he needs a good beating.
The following accusations,
were packed with information,
Far to lengthy for me to be reading!
E-Gads! Have a good one!
🙄
Originally posted by PhlabibitSome fellow, accused of some cheatin'
There once was a thread about cheating.
royalchicken said he needs a good beating.
The following accusations,
were packed with information,
Far to lengthy for me to be reading!
E-Gads! Have a good one!
🙄
Protested so he'd not be beaten,
The sniping began,
Out Tosser ran;
Left Freethinkers and their verbose bleatin'.
Originally posted by royalchickenBravo!
Some fellow, accused of some cheatin'
Protested so he'd not be beaten,
The sniping began,
Out Tosser ran;
Left Freethinkers and their verbose bleatin'.
I once played a game with T-Thousand,
And found that I took quite a trouncing.
Quite quickly were gone,
a Knight and two pawns.
On my Keyboard my forhead was bouncing.
Clan game with Bad Bishops not going so well!
🙂
The RULES!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us nagging
you about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is
that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck
with her.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
7. Crying is blackmail.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
15. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
17. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
18. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
19. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..
20. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
21. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.
22. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
23. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
24. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
25. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
26. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
27. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.
28. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
29. You have enough clothes.
30. You have too many shoes.
31. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee
or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the heck
they're saying anyway.)
32. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
33. Tools are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
34. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that. It's like
camping!
Originally posted by royalchickenThere once was a chess player, CFC.
Most excellent, Phla!
I am no chess cognoscenti,
and my clan games exist in great plenty,
I play with no care,
En prise everywhere;
Rating's down by 120!
Who awoke one day to see,
He was now a pawn star,
learned how to post soccer avatars,
We all still wonder "who could it be?!"
[i]based on new threads in forum today...