Important Observations I Made While Growing Up... 🙄 (or how you can tell you might be from the 'Lower Crust'...
1. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas is in it.
2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in- laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, guys,
watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk 😕
Eve's Version of the CREATION...
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so
beautiful,God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking; the smells, the sights --everything is wonderful. But I
have just this one problem.
It's these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes
the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes. They're a real
pain,"
reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body such as her
limbs, eyes and ears came in pairs and she felt that having only two
breasts might leave her body symmetrically balanced, as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away." God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you..... now let's see, where
did I put that useless boob?"
Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?
Reminded me of this one.
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this lovely place just for me, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
Originally posted by StarValleyWyYes,it does!
Eve's Version of the CREATION...
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so
beautiful,God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking; the smells, the sights --everything is wonderful. But I
have just this one problem.
It's these three breasts t ...[text shortened]... put that useless boob?"
Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?
Though Phlabibit's version does too😉
While we are on the subject, here is one for the Free Thinkers and Apostles.....
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had
come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one
scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we
no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and
do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the
scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this,
let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist
replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in
the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed
himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own
dirt!"
Originally posted by Super SpiffyI hope I don't offend anyone with this...
Not sure if I believe this is genuine but it made me laugh.
These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are actual responses
by the website officials.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: W ...[text shortened]... them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
The Prime Minister of Australia rings up Queen Elizabeth, and makes it known that he intends to make Australia independant from Britain.
"I'm gonna make Australia an Empire", he declares...
"But you can't", replies the Queen, "you're not an Emperor".
"Well, ok, I'm gonna make Australia a Kingdom, then"
"But you can't, you're not a King"
"Er... well, in that case sweetheart, I'm gonna make us a Principality"
"Buy you can't my dear man, you're not a Prince".
"Well, Liz, I intend to secure independance for Australia, what do you suggest I do".
"I suggest you carry on calling it a country"...
Originally posted by royalchickenPut the thesaurus down for a minute mate and make a joke 🙄.
You were a while in answering. Factorials obviously tend to accumulate trailing zeros as more and more factors consisting of 2 and 5 are added. There fore what is there is a good approximation. but you are right of course....have I exposed a total paucity of humor?
Another Aussie joke, hopefully not too rude...
Whenever two drovers get together there is the inevitable argument about who has the best Kelpie Sheepdog. So the merits of their respective dogs was the subject of the debate at the pub.
"My dog's so smart," said one, "I can give him five instructions at the same time and he will carry them out to perfection."
"That's nothing," said his mate. "I only whistle and point and Rover anticipates the whole exercise."
Finally they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first drover whistled his dog and told him to dash to the sale yards, select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into the ute which was parked outside the pub.
The dog sped off in a cloud of dust and ten minutes later was seen bringing a large ram down the main street. He jumped into the ute, dropped the tail gate and hunted the ram in.
"Well that's not bad," conceded the second drover. "But watch this."
"Rover, what about some tucker?"
In a cloud of dust Rover streaked down the main street to a farm five Kilometers out of town. Rover raced into the chook house, nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg.
The dog then sped back to town and gently placed the egg at his master's feet. But without waiting for a pat on the head the dog gathered a few sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy in his teeth and dashed to the creek, set the billy on the fire and dropped the egg into the simmering water.
After exactly three minutes, Rover rolled the billy off the fire, laid the boiled egg at his master's feet and stood on his head.
"Well, that beats all," conceded the first drover, "but why is he standing on his head?"
"Well he knows I haven't got an egg cup," said the proud owner.