Wondering how his popularity was among the children, George Bush visits a school. After explaining a little bit of the governmental platform, he asks the kids if they had any questions.
Bob raises his hand and says: I have 3 questions for you...
1) How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less votes?
2) Why did you attack Iraq without clear reasons?
3) Don't you think that your policies are destabalising the world order?
At this very moment the bell rings and all the kids run out of the
classroom.
After the break, Bush tells the kids to feel free to ask him more
questions and this time Joey raises his hand and says: I have 5 questions for you...
1) How did you manage to win in the elections, even though you had less votes?
2) Why did you attack Iraq without clear reasons?
3) Don't you think that your policies are destabalising the world order?
4) Why did the bell sound 20 minutes earlier today?
5) Where's Bob?
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly.
Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an
affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon
making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
Originally posted by belgianfreakI like that one...😀
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly.
Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes ...[text shortened]... are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
ok try this one
i pirate walks back in to his local after eing at sea for a year, the barman looks at him and says "god Ted you look awfull, what happened?"
Ted sits down at the bar and explains how he lost his leg when the spanish put up more of a fight than expected.
the barman then asks him abut his hook.
"Well" said Ted "we were fighting hand to hand and it got cut clean off"
"nasty" replied the barman "and what about the eye patch, another battle?"
"no no" says Ted "i was looking up to check te sails and a sea gull craped in my eye"
"jesus" said the barman "a seagull crapping in your eye blinded it?
"no no" Ted exclaimed "it was my first day with the hook!"
Not sure if I believe this is genuine but it made me laugh.
These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are actual responses
by the website officials.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMS (cash machines just in case anyone was wondering) in
Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville
and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
not...Oh forget it. Sure the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (USA)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British Politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget it's
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Originally posted by Super SpiffyOh dear...if they're legit...oh dear.
Not sure if I believe this is genuine but it made me laugh.
These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are actual responses
by the website offici ...[text shortened]... f by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Incidentally there are kangaroos bounding down the streets in canberra. You sometimes have to shoo the buggers off the local oval.
Spiffy, are you an aussie?
Originally posted by dylSorry i am a brit through and through but i do want to visit someday. my dad visited it twice on business and loved it, i feel that if i was to go i would have to stay for at least a month to still only see just a fraction. i almost differed, in my uni application to take a year out and tour oz and new zealand.
Oh dear...if they're legit...oh dear.
Incidentally there are kangaroos bounding down the streets in canberra. You sometimes have to shoo the buggers off the local oval.
Spiffy, are you an aussie?
i think it is funny that people in england see a kangeroo and think they are cute, but in oz they put big steel bars on the front of there cars to knock the basteds off the road, (this is a quote from an aussie comedian, unfortunately i cant remember who!)
Originally posted by Super SpiffyThis is brilliant!!😵
Not sure if I believe this is genuine but it made me laugh.
These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are actual responses
by the website officials.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: W ...[text shortened]... them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Originally posted by Super Spiffyexcellent. This reminds me of a list of I was sent of "squarks" and their responces. A "squark" is a written complaint by an UK air force pilot about the plane he has just flown. I haven't got the list anymore, so if anyone does please post it. These are the few I remember:
Not sure if I believe this is genuine but it made me laugh.
These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are actual responses
by the website officials.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: W ...[text shortened]... them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
pilot: engine no. 3 leaking fluid
engineer: engines no. 1, 2 & 4 have sepage levels corrected
pilot: dead bugs on windshield
engineer: live bugs are on order
pilot: autoland gave a bumpy landing
engineer: autoland not fitted to this plane
A man shopping at his local supermarket selected a quart of 2% milk,a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of Romaine lettuce, a 2-lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As he was unloading his items on the conveyor belt to check out, a woman, obviously very drunk, was standing behind him watching as he placed the items in front of the cashier.
The drunk woman said, 'You must be single.'
The man, a bit startled but intrigued by her intuition, looked at his
six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual
about his selections, he responded, 'Well, as a matter of fact, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The woman replied, 'Cause you're really, really ugly.'
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich."What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
Note Brit's need to substitute 'Bird' for 'chick'
A man walks into a pet shop.On to the counter there are 3 parrots."That are nice birds",says the man to the shopkeeper,"how much does one cost?"."Well,the one on the left is 500$"."That's a lot of money!Why is that bird so expensive?"."That bird has a special skill,it can answer the phone for you"."I see,indeed,that is special.How about the one on the right?"."Well,that one costs 1000$.But,it also has a special skill.Not only can it pick up the phone,it can also right down a message and cook dinner"."Wow,I'm impressed!But,what about the one in the middle then?"."Oh,that one...that one costs 2000$"."That much!?What special skills does that one have then?"."I have no idea"says the shopkeeper."I have never seen it do anything,but the other 2 call him boss......