Biology Class
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,'
worth 70 points or none at all.
One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in cute containers.
He got an A.
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
word on American nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:? Eat and drink what you like.? Speaking English is apparently what kills you.? But don't worry, your Government is trying to correct this problem.
np
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWE SOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking
at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, " don't do it turdhead," reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ... !!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?
SON-OF-A- #%@&!! , THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was
came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Originally posted by Ice ColdYou deserve a Darwin award Honorable Mention!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effe ...[text shortened]... rn!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes become flustered because of our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Originally posted by Ice ColdRec'd. I know it well, alas! 😳
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes become flustered because of our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this ...[text shortened]... : How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Originally posted by Ice ColdRec'd.
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes become flustered because of our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this ...[text shortened]... : How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
😀
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a
firm voice.
'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag
and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and
away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good
grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens !
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road... What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Did he cross it with a hare? Did he cross it with a bear? Did he check if the road was hot? I kinda doubt it, I think not! ! Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told. Just one more thing I have to say, it's been bugging me to this very day. If the Chicken is a she, why do we keep saying HE?
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and and simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Originally posted by Ice ColdVery, very cute!
Biology Class
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,'
worth 70 points or none at all.
One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against sever ...[text shortened]... ng the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in cute containers.
He got an A.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts tossing them
in the air, and then catching them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig
it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the
door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the
problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'