President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average desser tportion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamiclaw, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
Originally posted by LittleBearIsn't it easier to use inverted commas ( those being " ) than "?
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Santos, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help m ...[text shortened]... "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.
😛
Is it essence of the west of the Atlantic to destroy the English language?
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Luigi was relaxing at his Favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back
to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She
Paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Luigi reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Luigi smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to Him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Luigi reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Luigi falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde smiles and whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
Appreciate what you have
One day . . . a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country, so he could have his son see how poor country people live.
They stayed one day and one night in the home of a very humble farmer. At the end of the trip, and when they were back home, the father asked his son, "What did you think of the trip?"
The son replied, "Very nice dad."
Then the father asked his son, "Did you notice how poor they were?"
The son replied, "Yes."
The father continued asking, "What did you learn?"
The son responded, "I learned that we have one dog in our house, and they have four.
Also, we have a fountain in our garden, but they have a stream that has no end.
And we have imported lamps in our garden . . . where they have the stars!
And our garden goes to the edge of our property. But they have the entire horizon as their back yard!"
At the end of the son's reply the father was speechless.
His son then said, "Thank you dad for showing me how poor we really are."
Isn't it true that all depends on the lens you use to see life?
One can ask himself what would happen if we give thanks for what we have instead of always asking for more.
Learn to appreciate what you have. Wealth is all in one's point of view.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.
The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." Steve entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Steve' laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see .. 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E."
Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Steve walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "Let's see size 36."
Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
DO YOU THINK NORMAL?
Subject: Test for Dementia
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer:Nunu?
NO!Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again
Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Stella Awards
It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.
Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
5th Place (tie): 9-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
While walking through a park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this, he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK . . ." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake . . ."