Originally posted by ASROMANow if you could just work in some tortuous way for the phrase "Jesus wept" to be uttered, we would have skeeter's playbook for withdrawing money at an ATM (which also happens to be equipped with a menu in Braille).
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE ...[text shortened]...
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Originally posted by ASROMAEmpty and re-empty! But how can you empty it if it's already empty?
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE ...[text shortened]...
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
BB King's girlfriend, Barbie, want to get BB something special for his 60th birthday...but what does one get for the King of the Blues? Another guitar? No, he'd never part with Lucielle... Aha! Barbie comes up with a fabulous idea, and races downtown.
Later, back at the house, after serving BB King a sumptuous meal including, but not limited to, lobster, she sits him down. "BB, for your 60th birthday I wanted to get you something special...here it is!" As she finishes, she turns around and presents her rear to BB. On each cheek, she had a tattoo of a big B. BB takes a look and says "Oh baby, that's nice, that's real nice..." and pauses...
"But I just have one question, baby - WHO THE HELL IS "BOB"?!?"
😀
Originally posted by PBE6🙂 I knew this one but with Brigitte Bardot
BB King's girlfriend, Barbie, want to get BB something special for his 60th birthday...but what does one get for the King of the Blues? Another guitar? No, he'd never part with Lucielle... Aha! Barbie comes up with a fabulous idea, and races downtown.
Later, back at the house, after serving BB King a sumptuous meal including, but not limited to, lobster, ...[text shortened]... s...
"But I just have one question, baby - WHO THE HELL IS "BOB"?!?"
😀
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the feck he wants.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a
Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a
green #4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris divides by zero.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name
into concrete.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fecks up.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fecking Indian.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
grow on steel.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh;t from anyone.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to
kick ass."
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the
back of the face.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not
even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fecking beef.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that
Tom Cruise is a faggot.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a
wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck
Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount
of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't
real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the feck Chuck Norris is.
Simon says EXACTLY what Chuck Norris fecking tells him to say.
Period.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will
die.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just
entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove
to a friend that the expression "Sh;tting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved
calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles
to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of
Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times.
By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made
a mistake.
The Jihadists are p;ssed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
Chuck Norris used to beat the sh;t out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When
Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.
Chuck Norris once partook in a p;ssing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with ...
In the mid-60's, a US Navy cruiser stopped in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming-of-age party. I
would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers to attend the dance. They should arrive at 8 p.m., prepared
for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely
young ladies.
One last point: No Jews - We don't like Jews."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady of the house heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, smiling black officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"Madam," said the first officer - "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
A young chef boarded an internal Australian flight at Cairns and the air
hostess noticed he had a parcel under his arm.
“Can I help you with that package sir?” she asked.
“Thank you, Miss” he replied, please be careful with it, they are Mud
Crabs, I'm taking them to Sydney for a special gourmet meal I am cooking
tonight.”
“Well in that case, sir, let me put them in the fridge for you, it will
keep them nice and fresh.”
The flight landed on time, and as the aircraft taxied across the tarmac
the passengers were welcomed to Sydney, told to remain seated until the
plane had stopped.......
“And would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Cairns please identify
himself?”
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the
Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the
arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM . The next day at
8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door The
Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there
the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all
over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The
Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight
face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark! And they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical.? He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no!? ! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working.? The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear!? What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
Indian Chief
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving
his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives
when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in then midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."