Originally posted by huckleberryhoundouch...
There was a groundbreaking court case in Texas last week, when couple were in front of the courts for beating their child, and given 5 years in prison.
It is customary in texas for the custody of the the child to go to the nearest suitable relative, and so the Judge awarded custody of the child to the boys aunt. On hearing this, the boy burst int ...[text shortened]... s decided to award custody of the child to the Ireland soccer team, who couldn't beat anybody .
thankfully im not Irish.
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL:-
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in
Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol
were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of
residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to
terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was
such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was
still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as
normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal
belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos
and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought
after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special
Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss
that gotta do wiv you?
THREE MEN, ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A SOUTH AFRICAN WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HIS FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HIM QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER,", HE SAID, "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM".
A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RANG.
THE JAPANESE FELLOW LIFTED HIS PALM TO HIS EAR.
WHEN HE FINISHED HE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND".
THE SOUTH AFRICAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE, HE DECIDED HE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
HE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
HE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HIS BEHIND.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HIM.
THE SOUTH AFRICAN FINALLY SAID..."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTING A FAX".
A Texas Chili Contest -
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the testing, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their
minds.
Chili #3 Ronny's Famous B! urn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 -A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog-faced from all of the beer...
Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids, to get a little
boost in his PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't even have health insurance? "
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, OK, where were we? Oh, that's
right, question time. "Who has a question?
Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he
responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually , I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't even have health insurance? "
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
hmmmmmm ok i have a joke
a mexican is sitting in a bar when an extremely gay man walks in and sits right next him. the mexican attempts to ignore the bloke but the gay guy leans over and whispers in the mexucan's ear quote, do you want a blowjob? quote the mexican gets angry and beats the gay guy, then calls his buddies and they all mercilessly beats him into a mushy mess abd throw him outside into the river. the bartender stunned says, quote, christ man what the hell did he do? quote and the mexican guy goes quote i dont know, something about a job quote
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman held been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another,
slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he poops on you!"