Originally posted by CrazyLilTingA post gets deleted automatically if x number of people alert a post (Russ wouldn't reveal what x is). I am presuming that it was alerted by x people because the post wasn't a joke.
My last post was erased by "robomod".
It doesn't contain swears, offensive words, name calling... so what??
You MUST actualize the vocabulary filtered by your robot beast.
You are (admins) allowing the worst postings, in that sense. While are you not allowing to post into a funny thread?
I blame you.
I agree that it isn't a good system of moderation.
To make this post on topic so that it doesn't get alerted 😉 :
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to shag your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man
dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he
asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you
are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young,"
said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a
hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running
around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely
feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're crappin' all over the place!
Larry was visited by God one day, and god said to him "Larry you have been a good man, but i fear that you will not get into the house of god when you die, your hedonistic ways will stop you entering the kingdom of heaven"
"What can i do ?" asked Larry.
"Give up smoking, drinking and sex. That is the path to my Kingdom, my son. I will be back in a month to see how you get on"
A month later, God returned to visit Larry, and asked him "How have you done my son" ?
"I've managed to give up smoking and drinking my lord"
"What about the Sex?"
"Well my lord, i was doing fine, until one day i saw my girl bent over a freezer wiggling as she looked for stuff, and to be honest Lord, i couldn't help myself".
"They won't be happy about that here in Heaven Larry "
"They weren't too pleased with it in Tesco either Lord"
Originally posted by BobskiAncient and never originally funny. But 'freeway'?
Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over
to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 140km/hr with her face up close to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she
was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so ...[text shortened]... out of my mouth, ruining my shirt and disconnected an important call!
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!
Is that the one that runs from Manchester to Brighton?
Boo!
GROANER
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring ... this is the worst case of Van Aerial Disease I've ever seen!"
Originally posted by CrazyLilTingYou missed off:
Chinese proverbs
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who live in ...[text shortened]... one prick, all gone.
P.S.: the 2nd proverb isn't funny. It's the real thing :'(
- Julia
Man who farts in church, sits in own pew
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working,and
asks him. "Daddy what's sex?"
OK ,he thinks, this day was bound to come, and I am not going to let
my little princess learn about sex from the streets.
So he sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He
tells her about puberty, menstruation, erection, wet dreams.
Then she asks: "Daddy, what is a Couple?"
And he carries on: a couple are two people involved in sex, but this
can also be two males, where they penetrate from the ass, or two
females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the
vagina..., and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex,
pornography, bondage, rape, pedophilia, sex toys...
The father finally asks:"So why did you want to know about a Couple and Sex?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Two Australian blokes are wandering through the outback.
Bruce and Clive.
As Bruce is making his way through the bush, suddenly, he steps on a large rattlesnake, which springs up and bites him squarely on the penis.
Bruce collapses onto the ground writhing in agony. Quoth Bruce 'Struth, this rattla's 'ad me nob, the blighta, crikey!'
'Hang on, mate', says Clive, 'There's a phonebox in that village we passed on the road to Kookmongara. I'll run back there and phone the Flying Docta!'
So Bruce runs the 40 kilometres back to the town where he finds the phonebox, empty and in working order. He phones the Flying Doctor.
''Ello, Floin Docta 'ere'
'Quick, you gotto send me a doc, me mate's 'ad 'is nob bitten by a rattla'
'I'm surry, sir, but all us doctas are out at the moment- there's been an angry shoal of stringrays attacking the populace down in Kookamongara. I'll be able to make it out to ya, but only when someone else arrives to man the office. But I'll tell ya what you gotto do meantime'.
'Yis'
'You've only one 'ope. Ya gotta be brave, and save your friend. You run back there to 'im, ok?
'ok'
'And you find the wound. And when you've isolated the area, you've gotto apply a tournique, any bit of cloth will do, and you gotto find the bite...'
'yis'
'and then you've gotto suck all of the poison out that you can. If you do this quickly, your friend will survive until the docta can make it to ya.'
'...'
'Do you inderstend, Sir?'
'...yis'.
So Clive runs the 40 kilometres back to his friend, whom he finds where he left him, paler than before, and convulsed with agony, covered in sweat.
'Did you get to the phone, Clive, mate?'
'Yis'
'And did you talk to the docta, Clive, mate?'
'Yis'
'And what did he say, Clive??'
...{long pause}...
'He said you're going to die, Bruce.'
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
"I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
Doctor: Do you remember your husband's last words before the paralysis overcame him?
Wife: Oh yes. He said, "I wonder how they can make a profit selling this red salmon at 99 pence a can?