Originally posted by rbmorrisHaha.
An 87-year old man goes to see his doctor. After the exam, the doctor pronounces the man in good health for someone of his advanced age. "Of course," said the man. "I get plenty of exercise with my new girlfriend. She's not even out of college, and just last week, I knocked her up! How's that, Doc?" said the main with considerable pride.
"Pretty remarka rounds into that beaver," said the man.
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
I have a Labrador Retriever. I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Tesco's and was in line to the checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, and thinking it was a stupid question, I told her no, and that I was starting the Winalot diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I had ended up in hospital last time. But because I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my arse and a car hit me.
A seargent and a captain are in the captain's office. "Seargent, Private Jim's mother has died. After morining drills, tell him to come to my office".
So after morining grill, the seargent says "Jim, your moth is dead. Go see the captain."
Later the captain tells the seargent "That was a cold way of telling Prvate Jim about his mother. Try to be more subtle about it. Also, Private McCain's mother has died. Inform him of this and send him to my office. after drills."
Once drills are over, the seargent announces "Okay, everyone with a mother, take two steps forward-- not so fast, McCain!"
Ok- it is my honour to tell a joke on the 1001st post in this thread.
Emm.
Too much pressure. Ok.
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Metre board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!".
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started swimming. After about thirty fast lengths she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?".
"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."
Originally posted by sjegWell, I liked it anyway...
Ok- it is my honour to tell a joke on the 1001st post in this thread.
Emm.
Too much pressure. Ok.
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, an ...[text shortened]... e said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."
Here's one that travelled by text:
Journalist: Sir Paul Mc.Cartney, after all of the public trials and tribulations over your extremely costly divorce proceedings, do you think you will ever go down on one knee again?
Mc.Cartney: I'd really prefer it if you referred to her as Heather.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very large old lady came by and stopped in front of the walls.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to lght in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
- J
Originally posted by CrazyLilTingI take it he was considering murdering his wife for being fat and ugly?
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, ...[text shortened]... aking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
- J
How to Save the Airlines
*******************
Dump the male flight attendants! No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking.
They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of their tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Originally posted by CrazyLilTingLMAO
How to Save the Airlines
*******************
Dump the male flight attendants! No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking.
They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple t ...[text shortened]... sh think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton