Originally posted by ark13I drink, therefore I am!
Descartes is in a bar drinking and conversing with friends. The bartender asks if he, as their honored guest, would like another drink. Descartes, remembering temperance, replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
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Originally posted by ark13A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "have you any bread?"
Descartes is in a bar drinking and conversing with friends. The bartender asks if he, as their honored guest, would like another drink. Descartes, remembering temperance, replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
The barman replies "no"
Duck asks again "have you any bread?"
Barman says no
Duck asks again "have you got any bread?"
To which the barman says no and if you ask me again have i got any bread i'll nail your beak to the bar.
Duck asks "have you got any nails ?"
barman says no
Duck asks "have you got any bread?"
Originally posted by ark13Dats a bit in-teh-muh-lect-tule 4 me, boyo.
Descartes is in a bar drinking and conversing with friends. The bartender asks if he, as their honored guest, would like another drink. Descartes, remembering temperance, replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
(Good one!)
alright i have found another joke, once again short
Little John went to his girlfriend's house to pick her up for the night. On ringing the doorbell and entering, the father of his date asks him, "do you like to screw?" suprised by the question, John replies, um.... yes?" .Then the father says, "oh good, because our daughter LOVES to screw, in fact if we let her, she'd screw all night!" John loved what he was hearing and finally his date came down and they went to his car to go to the movies, 15 minutes later, John's date re-enters her house and screams at her father, " dad!!!!! it's called the twist!"
Two women talking in Heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Debbie.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Jane. How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching the telly.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and then checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive
A really huge muscular athletic guy walks into a bar, but the weird thing is, is that perched atop his massive shoulders and brawny neck is a tiny head, with tiny eyes, tiny ears, nose, mouth etc. The barman serves him, and they start chatting. after a while the bartender says ' sorry, but i just have to ask. you look kind of...peculiar...' the guy say 'it's ok. tell you how i ended up like this. i was jogging along the beach one morning about dawn, as is my habit, when i saw a mermaid tangled up in a net and stranded on the sand. she was clearly in distress, so i ran over to free her from the net. when i had done so, she was so grateful she offered me a wish. she was beautiful, and jogging makes me horny, so i said 'how about a f***?' she replied 'well, i'd like to, but you see i'm a mermaid, fish from the waist down, can't do it'. so i said ' i understand. then how about a little head?'
A man, a dog, and a donkey were shipwrecked on an island, with no native inhabitants near by. Each night the dog, man, and donkey would sit on the beach and watch the sunset. On one of these nights the man got a special "feeling." He had an odd smile and put his arm around the donkey. The dog started growling at him and the man quickly looked back to the sunset. For several weeks these feelings would come and go during these sunsets. Eventually the man gave up and the feelings went away. One week later a beautiful woman is shipwrecked on the same island. As the four of them (the man, dog, donkey, and woman) sat on the beach watching the sunset the man got his "feeling again." he leaned over, put his arm around the woman and said, "Can you please go take the dog for a walk?"
a guy is telling his mate about the hot date he had the night before: 'after the movie i drove her to a secluded beach. we're pashing in the back seat, then she said that if i took the top down she'd go all the way. so, after about an hour, i got the top down and...'
His mate interupts: 'An hour?' it only takes me five minutes to take the top down on my car'.
the first guy says 'yes, but YOU have a convertible'.
Man Stuff
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and
- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good.
"Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you.
It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ....... However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?"
to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep.
Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time.
Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why?
So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.
Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips?
For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
There was a groundbreaking court case in Texas last week, when couple were in front of the courts for beating their child, and given 5 years in prison.
It is customary in texas for the custody of the the child to go to the nearest suitable relative, and so the Judge awarded custody of the child to the boys aunt. On hearing this, the boy burst into tears, and told the judge that the aunt beat the child worse than the parents. It was then found out, after several attempts, that the child was also beaten by his grandparents, his uncle, his sister, in fact the beating of children was endemic to adults in their family.
The judge then took the never before seen step of letting the child decide who should take custody of him. And after several meetings with social workers,and background checks, it was decided to award custody of the child to the Ireland soccer team, who couldn't beat anybody .