Originally posted by Dr StrangeloveLMAO
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember ...[text shortened]... hday.
And I just sat there . . on the couch . . . naked......
Since I retired I have to be inventive for fun...
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a pensioner a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse sheeit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
I came into town on the bus.
I try to have a little fun each day, I think it's important at my age.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
O'i knew I wasn't feeling two grand.....
Retirement Planning If you had purchased $1000.00 of
Nor Tel stock one year go, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With World Com, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
However, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND. you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Jim and Bob rented a boat, and went fishing on a large lake. For hours they couldn't get a single bite, and kept moving their boat around. Just as they were about to give up, they parked the boat over a spot with thousands of fish, and caught fish one after another until their boat was full. The two were very pleased, but Jim thought out loud, "I bet with our luck we'll never find this great fishing spot again." Bob said to Jim, "Don't worry, I'll make an "x" on the bottom of our boat over the spot." Jim replied, "Bob, you're such an idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat again?"
Jim and Bob went fishing again the next weekend. They rented a boat, but this time could not find the great fishing spot again. They spent the whole day on the lake, but only caught a fish a piece. As they were returning the boat and packing up their car to leave, Jim commented, "You know, we spent $200 all together for the boat and food today, and all we got were two fish. That means each of these fish cost us $100." Bob replied, "Well, it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
A guy walks into a bar. There's a big sign which says,
"Free beer for life to first person who can pass the test!"
"What test?" the guys asks.
"Well ya' see," the bartender replies, "there's a tradition that the first guy who can pass the three challenges gets free beer for life. But, no one's ever done it. First, there's a gallon of pepper tequila, and you have to drink the whole thing at once, AND you can't make a face while doing it. If that doesn't kill you, then there's an alligator out back with a sore tooth, and you need to go out there and remove it with your bare hands. Finally, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You need to make things right for her."
"Yeah, well thanks but no," the guy responds, "That sounds crazy. I mean what kind of idiot would drink that much pepper tequila, and it gets crazier from there."
But, as often happens in bars, the man drinks a few beers. And in the fullness of time, what used to sound crazy now seems like a real good idea.
"Shhwears zat Pepper Tekeela?" he urps.
First he grabs a hold of the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands, and knocks it back in big slurp with tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out the back door. And soon, all inside hear the most frightful roaring and thumping. Then silence. The man staggers back into the bar... his shirt's all ripped up and his body has big scratches.
He yells out, "Now where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
An 87-year old man goes to see his doctor. After the exam, the doctor pronounces the man in good health for someone of his advanced age. "Of course," said the man. "I get plenty of exercise with my new girlfriend. She's not even out of college, and just last week, I knocked her up! How's that, Doc?" said the main with considerable pride.
"Pretty remarkable... amazing , actually," said the doctor.
"Damn straight," replied the old man.
The doctor thought for a moment. "Let me pose a question to you. I knew a man, advanced in age like you, who was an avid trophy hunter in his prime. Walls full of exotic animals from around the globe. Well, the older he got, the worse his eyesight got, and pretty soon he wasn't going on anymore trips far away, and was relegated to hunting on local lands for small game. His nearsightedness got so bad, that one day, instead of taking his gun, he grabbed his wife's cane by mistake. While out in the woods, he saw a magnificent beaver on the bank of a river. He raised his cane, shouted "Bang! Bang!" and the beaver keeled over, dead from two gunshot wounds. What do you say to that?"
"I'd say some other fella pumped a couple rounds into that beaver," said the man.
"Exactly," replied the doctor.