Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she
spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the
poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing England football shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht the Queen saw that the three men were Beckham, Rooney & Crouch and went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows f**k all about shark fishing. How's
the bait holding up?"
Apology
Dear Marty, I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you.
Can you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoos, and piercings.
I guess motorcycles aren't that dangerous.
And holding a job isn't the only thing in life.
There are probably some very nice people living under that bridge with you.
While Suzie is only 17, she's still willing to give up her full scholarship to Harvard to be with you. I guess you can't learn everything about life from books.
I have since come to my senses and give you both my blessing.
Sincerely,
Your future "Dad."
PS: Congratulations on winning the lottery!
Originally posted by Dr StrangeloveTiger Woods is on holiday in Scotland, and one evening in Edinburgh in his hotel bar he hears Ray Charles playing the piano and singing. Well, Tiger goes up to Ray and says "Sir, it's an honour, I'm a great fan of yours, and it's a pleasure to meet you..."
Taking a break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish petrol station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the driver is.."top o'the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two golfing tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those, son?" ask the attendant.
"They're cal ...[text shortened]... " exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"
Ray says to Tiger, "You are Tiger Woods, I believe, second greatest black golfer ever, right? I thought I recognised those footsteps when I heard you you walk into the bar. Well, it sure is a pleasure to meet you."
Tiger replies, "Yes, Sir, I am Tiger Woods, and who is the greatest black golfer?"
Ray says, "Me, of course..."
Tiger says, "But Sir, I didn't know you played golf..."
"Well," says Ray, "That's why I come to Scotland every year, to play golf. I went round Muirfield in 62 on Tuesday, Royal Troon in 68 on Wednesday, Prestwick in 71 on Thursday, and Loch Lomond in 69 yesterday."
Tiger is impressed. "Sir, even I can't get round Muirfield in less than 65, and my best at Troon is 71. How do you do so well?"
Ray explains: "Well, I suppose there are two important basic elements. Firstly, I have incredibly good hearing. I even recognised you when you came in. Also, I have my Japanese caddie Natsumi, see here over there by the window? Well, when we play, she goes to the hole and sings so sweetly, and I just hit the ball in the direction of her song. That's my secret. And with my scores being so good, that's why I say I'm the greatest black golfer ever."
Now, Tiger doesn't really believe Ray, but he says, "Sir, that is amazing. Well, it's been real nice to meet you, and listen to you."
"Hey, Tiger, you want to play me? St Andrews, tomorrow? I know that's your favourite..."
"Well, Sir, I only play for money these days..."
"That's Ok, Tiger, I'll play you for a million dollars a hole..."
"Well, sir, I wouldn't want to take your money, Sir..."
"Tiger, I'm sure I'll beat you..."
"Well, Sir, you challenged me, so I have to accept. What time shall we tee-off?"
"Midnight..."
A guy goes in an "adult" shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter asks, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female."
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White."
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he invites questions. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name. "Billy!" "And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions," says the boy. "First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? and Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George W Bush informs the children that they will continue after recess. When they resume, the President says: "Okay where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name. "Steve!" "And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden? Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
President Bush is drinking his coffee one morning when one of his aides comes in with an executive summary of the previous day's news events. Bush begins reading the first story about 40 Brazilian miners trapped by an explosion. As the President is reading the story, his aide notices that he's visibly shaken. His hands begin to tremble and his eyes well up with tears.
Wanting to help, the President's aide asks him, "Is everything ok, sir?
Bush looks up at him with a tearful gaze and asks, "Yes, I'll be fine thank you, but can you please tell me...how many million are in a brazillion?"
Originally posted by rbmorrisI have heard this joke a brazillion times.
President Bush is drinking his coffee one morning when one of his aides comes in with an executive summary of the previous day's news events. Bush begins reading the first story about 40 Brazilian miners trapped by an explosion. As the President is reading the story, his aide notices that he's visibly shaken. His hands begin to tremble and his eyes well up ...[text shortened]... ll be fine thank you, but can you please tell me...how many million are in a brazillion?"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you get lost! I'm trying to have a crap!"