A jet crashed on a deserted island leaving only three survivors, David, Darren and Denise.
They made a shelter, found food and water and after a few months, well, nature took it's course.
A few months later, Denise, completely disgusted with herself for making love to two different men, made a decision.
She committed suicide.
David and Darren, filled with remorse, carried on as best they could and after a few months, well, nature took it's course.
A few months later, David and Darren, completely disgusted with what they were doing, made a decision.
They buried her.
A woman sees the doctor. She suffers from callousity on both her knees.
Jee, said the doctor, how did you get these.
I don't know said the woman, maybe bacause I prefer doggystyle.
That's simple then, the doctor replied, just try another position.
I did, said the woman, but the dog has a bad breath
- Joined
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A young guy buys this super over the edge mountain bike and a new saddle. Before he leaves the shop the shop owner presents him with a special vaseline for his new leather saddle and tells him to polish it in before the first rain.
The guys leaves with his new bike for his girlfriend and the first dinner with her parents.
He parks his bike in front of the big glass front which is the dinning room.
After meal the father explains to him: All right we have a common here son. Whoever speaks the first word has to do the dishes.
Allright replies the young mate and a big silence felt in the dinning room.
After an hour the young boy is deeply bored. After an hour and a half he lift up his girlfriend and shags her right in front her parents on the dining table.
Nobody says a word.
After another hour has passed he looks at his girlfriends mother and she is still hot. So he lifts her on the dining table and wildly shags her too.
Nobody says a word.
After another hour clouds start raising and it looks like rain.
Remembering the shop owners words the young boy pull out the vaseline and prepares for leaving the room to wax his saddle.
ALLRIGHT ALLRIGHT I DO THE F... DISHES JESUS MAN ! replies the father.
😏
9 Things I Hate About Some People:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time..... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
*** copied from a mate.
This is an oldie and well known joke. Sorry if I'm being reposting it.
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NOTICE TO AMERICANS OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE FROM THE GOVERNMENT OF HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
5. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2009.
6. Stop referring to the "World Series" of Baseball and instead call it the "USA, Cuba and Japan Championship"
7. Learn to enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Originally posted by huckleberryhoundpoor rabbit! :'(
A bear and a rabbit go for a sh*t in the woods
The bear says to the rabbit "Rabbit, do you ever have trouble with sh*t sticking to your fur?"
"no" said the rabbit
So the bear wiped his @ss with the rabbit.
lol!
Officially the best joke in the world, by Spike Milligan:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
EDIT: It's actually taken from the script of a "Goon Show" radio broadcast, written by Milligan:
Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there
Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: Alright. Just a minute
Sound of two gun shots
Bentine: He's dead.
A rabbit and a bear whom were sworn enemies came across a genie in the woods. The genie says: "You each got three wishes but you have to wish for each other. Who's first!"
The bear: "I'm first! I'm first! I'd like the rabbit to have stick up his arse, hu hu!"
The genie granted the wish, and then looked at the rabbit with the stick up his arse.
The rabbit: "I'd like the bear to have a brand new cross motorcycle."
Next thing you knew the bear stood next to a brand new cross motorcycle.
The bear: "Uh? Well, I'd like for the rabbits ears to be doubled in size. Hi hi."
The rabbit now looked kinda stupid with his large ears hanging to the ground and the stick up his arse.
The rabbit: "I'd like my bear friend here to be the most handsome bear in the forests so that all the bear females will want him."
The bear is confused, but can't really find it in his heart to respond nicely.
The bear: "Uuuh!? I'd like for all the other rabbits to ridicule you 24/7." 😕
The rabbit: "I'd like for the bear and me to switch bodies."