A baby gnu was out in the forest looking for some gnu food, when it got eaten by a lion. Mummy gnu went looking for her baby and also got eaten by the same lion. He was feeling very hungry you see. Then Daddy gnu became worried about his family and off he went, searching for his family. Unfortunately he too was eaten by the big, hungry feline.
Well that's the end of the gnus, now for the weather.😵
Originally posted by CoconutHow long did you get given eventually?
The child molester was facing the judge in his first day in court. After the opening statements by both sides, the judge announces "Now we will take a short recess."
The defendant let's out a whoop and yells "I LOVE RECESS!"
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a french tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals....
That, my friends, is Globalization!!
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to an emergency labour call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 4-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his ass again"
a south african miner is recovering in hospital after a bad explosion has killed a few of his colleagues - and the doctor comes round to tell him about his injuries
"so, do you want the good news or the bad news first" asks the doctor - andthe miner asks for the bad news
"well, we've managed to save one of your legs", he said, " but the other one was so badly mangled that we had to remove it"
the miner collapses in tears saying "who's gonna want a one legged
gold-digger"
the doctor replies, "well, the good news is that Paul McCartney is in the
next room"
Originally posted by Redmikeis there a deeper pun to this or is it just stupid? 😞
a south african miner is recovering in hospital after a bad explosion has killed a few of his colleagues - and the doctor comes round to tell him about his injuries
"so, do you want the good news or the bad news first" asks the doctor - andthe miner asks for the bad news
"well, we've managed to save one of your legs", he said, " but the other one was s ...[text shortened]... he doctor replies, "well, the good news is that Paul McCartney is in the
next room"
Bump btw 😀
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "Of course they were cleaned Father."
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells -
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can’t get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says “they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens”.
So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?”
And the docter replied “they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens”.
So the next day she comes back and says “the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.
The next morning a little boy walks up and says. “my mother’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
---------------------------------
Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!".
Broken table - £100
Hot breakfast - £5
Red Rose bud - £3
Two aspirins - 50p
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless