One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to
the tree salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his ! dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!!
Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
"Ees"
"Ees"
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.
"Yeah" I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...
...so I hung up.
- Joined
- 23 Mar 04
- Moves
- 255635
Originally posted by nickhawkerWell, they.... uhm... concurred the Dutch... uhm... two hundred years ago.
He he he.
Try french military victories and i'm feeling lucky...
(but then again, so did Spain, and the Germans, it must be so easy it can hardly be called a victory. Lucky we don't have oil up here in the ground, or else...)
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
>screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
>frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
>empty
>except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without
>moving,
>seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
>presence.
>
>
>So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
>
>
>The man replied, "Yep, sure do".
>
>
>"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
>
>
>"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
>
>
>"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
>
>
>"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
>
>
>"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
>eternity?" persisted Satan.
>
>
>"Yep," was the calm reply.
>
>
>"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
>
>
>"Nope" said the old man.
>
>
>More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of
>me?"
>
>
>The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Needless to say this was a copy and paste post.
I don't know who wrote it, but I'm sure as hell too fcuking drunk to remove all the little thingees.