A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your
job, you might miss a great opportunity.
A man went to the dentist with a severe toothache. The dentist looked into his mouth and told him he'd have to pull out a rotten tooth. The man said, "Whatever it takes. I can't stand the pain."
The dentist took out a needle and the man said, "No, I'm scared to death of needles. Can you use something else to kill the pain?"
The dentist said, "Sure, I'll just give you some nitrous oxide instead."
The man said, "No can do, Doc. I'm allergic to gas."
So the dentist gave him to Viagras. The man asked, "Will this dull the pain?"
The dentist said, "No, but it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull out that tooth."
An archeologist digs up an ancient collection of pictures in stone. He was so impressed with his find that he brought it to convention.
While making the presentation, he syas "This stone is from ancient times. We can learn a lot about the ways of the ancients from observing these pictures. First, there is a picture of a cross, showing religion. Secondly, there is a picture of a shovel, showing early builders and workers. Thirdly, there is a picture of a donkey, showinf the raising of livestock. Lastly, there is a picture of a chicklet, showing the presence of farms."
"Bull" says a man in the crowd "Everyone with half a brain knows that it is really ancient pornography"
"How so" the archeologist asks.
"Because it really says: Christ, dig the @ss on that chick"
EDIT: I just found another joke much like this one.
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride, "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
The Alternate Creation Story.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth.
He populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Crème Donuts.
Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
and Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said,
"and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
They gained 10 pounds, and Satan smiled.
So God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman
might keep the figure tat Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his
cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake,
and named it 'Angel Food Cake,' and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His
children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the
flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thought for the day .......
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population,
with large boobs and constant erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she, and her sister owned the pharmacy, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying,
"This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment.
So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go and consult my sister."
When she returned, she said,
"We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the pharmacy, a company car, and £3,000 a month living expenses".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A father walks into a book store with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking,
going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter.
She calmly gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops the boy's pants,
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".
Originally posted by LittleBearNice!
Explain this!!
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the lights. She lo ...[text shortened]... s and said, calmly,
"I'll explain the cucumber if you can explain our three kids."
😀
Where have you been Little?
Good to know you are ok!
Back to page one with you, you little beastie.
Why is it easier to mave a truckload of dead babies than a truckload of watermellons?
With watermelons you can't use a pitchfork.
-------------------------------------------------
What's red and pink and on the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.
Whats red and pink and floating in the pool?
Floaties with slashed baby...
Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, and he says, "Well, there's not that much
room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way
that you died, and if it's interesting enough, I'll let you
in."
So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man.
He says, "I was coming home from work one day early, and when I
walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was
cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her
sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in
the house, I searched frantically to find him... Under the bed,
in the closet... Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on
our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went
plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and
I wasn't sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator
out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide."
"Wow," said St. Peter, "that's a pretty fantastic story."
So St. Peter calls in the second guy.
He said, "One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She
gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our
fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge
of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase
steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I
landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!"
Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, "Alright,
picture this: You're naked, and in a refrigerator..."
Cowboy in a gay bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay
bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his
SNICKERS,
because 'It really Satisfies.'"
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to
his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of
yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys
call? yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
'Quality is Job One" " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!
And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my
willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT
MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!
After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.
He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.
Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, Hey Charlie....... The dead ones full again
1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets arent going
as ghosts but as mattresses?
3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
6. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isnt the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have a S in it?
19. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?
rearranged letters:
DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST : : EVILS AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS NO MORE ZS
A DECIMAL POINT : : I M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that.
Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you werent
warned.
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and shes a better lover than you are.
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
I want the house, he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, I want the car, too, but she just drives faster and faster.
By now shes up to ninety mph. All right, he says, I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, Isnt there anything you want?
The wife says, No, Ive got everything I need.
Oh, really, he says, so what have you got?
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, The airbag.