A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here
Originally posted by LittleBearHe was also a member of the Al Gebra club...
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School in Basra and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W. Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of math instruction.
😀 😀 😀
Originally posted by LittleBearOur PE teacher once said that he would only excuse pupils who gave him an original reason for not participating in a PE lesson.
A fellow won a new Mercedes-Benz convertible in a raffle, and as soon as he had the plates on, decided to take it out on the Trans-Canada for an evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. But no sooner had the needle reached 140 kmh, when he noticed flashing red and blue ligh ...[text shortened]... nd I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Off you go," said the Mountie.
🙂
One day a kid gave him a note from his mother which read:
John painted his kit silver yesterday and a magpie flew away with it.
John got the day off...
Supposedly true story:
Back in 1939, The Soviet Union was getting ready to attack Finland. The finnish negotiator J.K Paasikivi was in Moscow, trying to avoid the war by diplomatic means. This was, naturally, a waste of time. The Soviet counterpart, Mr. Molotov suddenly turned to Mr. Paasikivi and asked:
"Tell me, Mr. Paasikivi, how many men do you have defending your country?"
"Half a million", said Paasikivi.
"Well," started Molotov, "Then we'll need only a million men to conquer your country."
Paasikivi fell silent, left the room and after a while came back. He calmly sat down on his chair.
"What was that? Where did you go?" Asked Molotov.
"Oh, I just had to make a telephone call." Paasikivi said calmly.
"What? What was such an important matter?" Molotov started to get annoyed.
Paasikivi looked at Molotov and said:
"I just phoned the president and told him we have to give each of our soldiers another bullet!"
A guy walks into a pharmacy to pick up a package of condoms. Upon checking out the pharmacist says to the guy, big not tonight? Yeah he replies. My girlfriend said that if I meet her parents, we could go back to her place afterwards if you know what I mean.
That night after arriving at his girlfriend's parent's house, they all sit down for dinner. Her father suggests that he give the blessing on the meal. He agrees. Minutes go by, and he's still sitting there silently with his eyes closed. His girlfriend whispers into his ear, I didn't know you were so religious. I'm not he replies, you never told me your father was a pharmacist.
It's a long one but well worth the read!
Never under estimate the little old Lady.....
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much humming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a
witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
A good-looking man walks into an agent's office and says "I want to be a movie-star, I'm Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway" The agent asks, "What's your name?"
The guy says, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my heritage by changing my name. Not ever"
The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together," the guy
says...and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awestruck...who would possibly send him $50,000. ?? He reads the letter enclosed....
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
A married couple took their three-year old son to the doctor because they were concerned about his small penis. After examining the child the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. It's an old trick. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table. "For me?" the boy asked.
"Just take one," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."