Here's a good joke to tell your mates after a few beers
After a good night out a drunken midget deceide that he would visit the local tart for some action. "How much ?" he asks
"Its 50 for full sex, 20 for a oral & 10 for hand relief"
The midget empties his pockets but all he's got is a fiver.
"What can I get for this" he asks waving the fiver around
"I suppose you can have look, but no touching or else" replies the tart, and she quickly snatches the money out of his hand and lifts up skirt, and drops her knickers.
The midget gets up real close, and asks "Can I touch it ?"
"No you can't" shouts the tart "I said no touching"
"Well can I say hello to it then?"
"Ohh I suppose so" replied the tart.
"Helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllo" You have to stick your tongue out when you say this bit
🙂
Originally posted by Jay Peatealol
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line," I did once ...[text shortened]... stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her a$$ in it."
I received this from a friend a few days ago. I can't stop laughing!
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply. "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
LB
Not so much a joke but funny things inadvertently said in the British media:
Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Originally posted by CrazyLilTingBear was sick? Man, that's a bummer. He lost his wife not long ago(to illness I belive).
a bump. This is the better thread for jokes,
May be you dont know it, but it is (was) IMHO the best.
I hope the little bear has not passed, he/she was badly sick, AFAIK,
:'(
cheers, and my regards and best wishes for the bear.
-Julia
Hang in there, Bear!
I don't remember where I heard this one, but it's good...
On a recent state visit to England, George Bush asked the Queen why it was that Europe has lots of royal families, instead of presidents, and why they remain heads of state for generations.
The Queen explained to Bush that it was because they surrounded themselves with wise advisors. Bush persisted, asking who was wise enough to advise the Queen. So she said "Watch this," and called Tony Blair over, and asked him to solve the following riddle:
"Tony, if your father's son is here, and it's not your brother, who is it?"
Blair immediately replied "It's me, Your Majesty." The Queen thanked him, and turned back to Bush. "See?" she said...
So Bush goes back to Washington, and decides to see if the people closest to him were wise advisers. He calls Donald Rumsfeld into his office and asks him the same riddle: "If your father's son is here, and it's not your brother, who is it?"
Rumsfeld says "Excuse me, Mr. President, I gotta go pee," and runs out of the office, down the hall into the mens' room, where he bumps into Colin Powell.
"Hey, Colin, if your father's son is here, but it's not your brother, who is it?"
Colin replies "Me, of course..."
Rumsfeld goes back to Bush and says "Sorry about that, I had to pee. What was the question again?"
"If your father's son is here and it's not your brother, who is it?"
"Oh, that's easy, it's Colin Powell."
"No," Bush says hanging his head in despair... "it's Tony Blair..."
A bear and a rabbit live in the same forest. They find a lamp and a genie tells them they have three wishes each. The bear says, "I wish I was the only male bear in this forest and all the rest were female". The rabbit says, "I wish I had a motorbike". The bear says, "I wish I was the only male bear in this country and all the rest were female". The rabbit says, "I wish I had a helmet". The bears final wish is, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world and all the rest were female". The rabbit says, "I wish that bear was gay".
OOWWWWWWWWWW.
Part One
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy; Dat's Dem.
The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.Yeah, we'll take two of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere, says Mick.
Put dem in a pepper bag.
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. Dis looks loike a grand place, says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by 'Splat'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, Fock Dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too bloody dangerous for me...
Part Two
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
Watch this Paddy he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, An' oim never troyin' that parrotshooting oider...
Part Three
After a few minutes, Patrick strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - F#@* me Patrick, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you dis bloody hengliding.
Originally posted by Moldy CrowThanks Moldy!
Bear was sick? Man, that's a bummer. He lost his wife not long ago(to illness I belive).
Hang in there, Bear!
Going to bed after post, so I hope you all people enjoy this:
Date: 11 Mar 2006 18:20:16 +0100
In its lead story, CNN has just reported that in an effort to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.
- Michael