These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is
the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesd ay night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation in vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Southb African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
🙄
After a job interview...
Interviewer: "You seem to be the most suitable person for this job. However, there's one thing that disturbs me. Your left eye keeps twitching"
Applicant: "Oh, you see, it's a neural disorder. It will go over when I take an Aspirin. In fact, I have a pack of Aspirins in my pocket right now."
*The applicant starts emptying his pockets. He finds five packets of condoms and puts them on the table. Finally he finds the Aspirins, takes one and the twitching stops indeed.*
Interviewer: "I believe what you said about the neural disorder but what about all those condoms? Are you some sort of pervert or sex addict?"
Applicant: "You go to the dispensary, ask for Aspirin and wink at the same time!"
On July 20,1969,as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module,
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon,"That's one small step for man,one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the lander ,he made the enigmatic remark?"Good luck Mr.Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However,upon checking there was no Gorsky
in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky"...statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5 ,1995,in Tampa Bay Florida,while answering questions
following a speach, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question
to Armstrong,this time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died so
Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 , when he was a kid in a small midwestern town,he was
playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.His friend hit the ball , and it landed in his neighbor's back yard ,near the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.As Armstrong leaned down to pick up the ball he overheard Mrs.Gorsky yelling at Mr.Gorsky,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT
DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
This is supposed to be a true story.
Originally posted by aspviper666http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm
On July 20,1969,as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module,
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon,"That's one small step for man,one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the lander ,he made the enigmatic remark?"Good luck M ...[text shortened]... WHEN THE KID NEXT
DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
This is supposed to be a true story.
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz
party in his swanky new house.
Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and
music, fashion and art. There's a feast of pints, the best wines that
money can buy, oysters,champagne.
Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison
and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner,
George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.
All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of
his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good
book.
"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started.
How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom
for a bit of the 'how's yer father'?"
"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the
idea], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."
"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in
close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, in
walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.
"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't s'pose you fancy extending that
service to me, do you?".
The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says, "What the
hell!" Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and
Michael Caine bursts in.
He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across
the face!
"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.
"I told you," Caine snarls.
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"You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."
Originally posted by LittleBearI friend at school (true story) sat forging a note from her mum to try to get off doing games. She wrote, and I quote...
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheet Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch...
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on ...[text shortened]... ver. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
😲🙄😀😀
Please excuse Joanne from PE today as she has forgotten her kit.
Urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"