My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply.
However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred pound note on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred pound note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want."
The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the
celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right
wrist,and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a
picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll
destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost
you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper.............
"They must have seen you coming!"
Johnny was invited to dinner by his girlfriend one night to meet her parents, after which she promised to have sex with him for the first time. Johnny is very excited.
The next day, Johnny speeds to the drugstore. Once there, he nervously looked for anyone before heading to the condom aisle. He picked up a box of medium sized condoms, 4 to a pack. Nah, he thinks to himself, I'm bigger than a medium. He puts them back. Just as he picks up the box of large condoms, the pharmacist turns the corner and strolls up to him.
"Anything I can help you find, young man?"
Nervous and embarassed, but made brave by the fact he was getting laid for the first time, Johnny said, "yes sir. I--I need some condoms. I'm going to have sex with my girlfriend tomorrow night after dinner and I need some condoms, but---but I'm a virgin and don't really know how to pick out condoms."
The pharmacist smiled. "Well, first you need to pick out a size."
Johnny reached out quickly and grabbed the Extra Large kind.
The pharmacist raised his eyebrow at the lad. "And, how much sex are you going to be having?"
Johnny, full of bravado, said, "I'm going to give it to her so much, so hard, so long..."
The pharmacist plucked a package of 24 condoms off of the rack. "Here you go."
The pharmacist rung young Johnny up, and everything went well.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The next night, Johnny went to his girlfriend's house with the large box of condoms stowed away in his pocket. He helped his girlfriend and her mother set the table for the meal. The entire family came to the table, and the mother asked Johnny to say the blessing over the meal.
Johnny bowed his head.
After 20 long and silent minutes, Johnny said, "Amen".
Jill looked at Johnny and said, "My word, I never knew you were so religious!!"
Johnny looked up, red faced, and replied, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist."
As you can tell, copied and pasted from an e-mail...
>> > >This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article
>>which
>> >
>> > >appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
>> >
>> > >disabling
>> >
>> > >the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who
>> >
>> > >expected
>> >
>> > >to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables,
>>were
>> >
>> > >surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the
>>bank.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside
>>they
>> >
>> > >found
>> >
>> > >only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the
>>bank's
>> >
>> > >audio
>> >
>> > >tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to
>>eat."
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
>>nothing
>> >
>> > >but
>> >
>> > >vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were
>>opened.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce
>>of
>> >
>> > >gold.
>> >
>> > >Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
>> >
>> > >nothing
>> >
>> > >more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper
>> >
>> > >headline
>> >
>> > >read:
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
>> >
>> > >
Originally posted by Dr StrangeloveSubstituting yourself into a joke,thats the joke for me.
Just another brilliant example of how men think on their feet...... how fortunate we are!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in ...[text shortened]... red its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.