Once some bank robbers charged into Barclays Bank in the High Street. One of them pointing the gun at the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You're meant to say HISTORY."
The bank robber answered, "Don't change the subject!"
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
Originally posted by cadwahI've seen some of those before....hilareous!! 🙂
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: ...[text shortened]... heless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Taking a break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish petrol station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the driver is.."top o'the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two golfing tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those, son?" ask the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary and' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"
Originally posted by Dr Strangelovethats realy funny
Taking a break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish petrol station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the driver is.."top o'the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two golfing tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those, son?" ask the attendant.
"They're cal ...[text shortened]... " exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"
Tiger Woods is the perfect golfer: part African-American which gives him his natural grace; part Asian which gives him his discipline; part French which gives him his strong self-belief; and part white which is the reason he gets on the golf course in the first place.
THE PARROT
----------
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a
parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is
furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked
now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said
that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store
manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the
parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the
parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."