At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Sí, that's the one."
"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"
"From eating 'la carne putrificada.'"
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the 'caballo muerto.'"
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky."
"Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years back?"
"Sí."
"How did he die?"
"He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the 'incendio.'"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your 'hacienda'! A candle fell, and the curtains caught on fire."
"What!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
*SILENCE*
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"
A YOUNG Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar
in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where
he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a
smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex
finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but determined that this woman is not going to outlast him,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking,
clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his
back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No,
Norwegian."
Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over
to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 140km/hr with her face up close to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she
was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using
my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruining my shirt and disconnected an important call!
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!
Just putting this in the right thread...
Originally posted by Dr Strangelove
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind that these are first graders .....6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses ...................... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ......................... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ..... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ....... how? !
6. Don't bite the hand that ................... looks dirty.
7. No news .................................. impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ..... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ....... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .......... pigs.
13. An idle mind is .......... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ...... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ............... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ........... not much.
17. Two's company, three's ...... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ........ you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you , cry and........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ......... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ............. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .................. get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ........... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind...... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than..... pregnant.
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.
But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my deckchair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Camille from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted "You lazy *******! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! You should be bloody well hung!"
I said "I am."
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The kids came to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Well, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's stop by my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there . . on the couch . . . naked......