Originally posted by sjegZiz iz nut ze furz time ay miss ze joke. Maybee ay must trae a leetel arderr. (Zat eeze nut a joke by ze waye)
ME AGREE WIT FRENCHIQWEEEN. STOOPID DUCK.
Anyone actually have any decent jokes?
Come on! I've got nothing. But to start the ball rolling:
'It was my girlfriend's birthday, so I bought her a present. A book. "Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking". Because she's a vegetarian, and, well...'
(Jim C.)
Sanks verrry mooch, huckleberryhound, for explaining ze jok, (but ay steel sink ze duk jok sucks)
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Originally posted by Falco LombardiAll ATM's have the braille pads because the manufacturer is unable to determine where they will be distributed. Only an American could be that ignorant. Jesus wept.
Things Found Only in America urers
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
skeeter
Tony Blair visits Glasgow hospital, and he's shown around. In one ward, one patient says to him, "My lurve is leek a rade rade rose..". The next patient says to him "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".
Tony says to his guide: "..Psychiatric ward?". Guide says: "Nope.. Serious Burns unit..."
Originally posted by huckleberryhoundsorry for re-posting the joke...didn't read all the posts...bread is more logical but it was told to me in terms of jam...I think the sillier it is the better...so I like jam 🙂
the joke should be "have you got any bread", i think there was something lost in the interpretaion there.
Originally posted by FrenchQueenNot bad... but Tony's a Scottie too, so he'd only be feigning incomprehension.
Tony Blair visits Glasgow hospital, and he's shown around. In one ward, one patient says to him, "My lurve is leek a rade rade rose..". The next patient says to him "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".
Tony says to his guide: "..Psychiatric ward?". Guide says: "Nope.. Serious Burns unit..."
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
5. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.