Jokes and the Culture of Laugh

There's a fellow who is an avid runner. Actually, he's a running fanatic.
Every Sunday morning he gets up very early and runs for hours.
Well, one Sunday morning he gets up early,dresses quietly and goes out
to his car. It is raining cats and dogs!!! Not to mention there was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50mph.
He goes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and
finds that it's supposed to keep it up all day.
So he undresses just as quietly, and slips back into bed where he cuddles up
behind his wife and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "I know. Can you believe it? My stupid husband is out there running in it"

A man was speeding, going about 95 mph down the motorway, when he was pulled over by the police.

The patrolman, being in a good mood for once, decided to give the guy a break, if the driver could give him a good reason for driving so fast.

The driver stared ahaead, smiled to himself, and said "Last week, my wife of 15 years left me for a cop, and I thought you were trying to give her back."


The cop ripped up the ticket.

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean.

When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.

But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

"Lard tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed.

The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.

He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it eh?."

He got the job and is now the foreman.

A drunk walks into St. Mary's church, goes into the confessional.
After a few minutes of silence, the priest asks, "Is there something I can help you with, son?"
The drunk replies...



"Any bog roll on your side?"

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook
for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not
nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when
you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle
of the night to take care of them.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

So Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...

what does a snail riding on a turtle sound like?



















































WHEEEEE!

When little John opened the door to the bathroom one day, he saw his mother pulling back and forth on his father's penis.
Like children do, he wondered what they were doing. His mother quickly answered,
-'Well, you see, your father has started to become a little too round about his tummy, so I'm just releasing some air from it.' His father gave an embarrassed smile, but was relieved over his wife's quick answer.
Little John then replies,
-That is no use.. once you leave for work, the lady next-door comes and blows the air back in him..

Three old men sat and discussed who had created the woman.
The first one had so much beautiful words to say about the woman, that the thought it must have been God that had created her.
But the other man didn't believe him, since he was thinking about the old hag he was married to, he was convinced that it was Satan himself who had created the woman.
The third man, however, didn't agree with either of them. He believed that it must have been a politician. Who else would even think of placing a sewer that close to a playground?

At the immigration desk, somewhere in Europe...
- Name?
- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
- Sex?
- Four times a week.
- No, no, no..... male or female?
- Male, female.. sometimes camel..

Why men pee standing:

When God had created Adam and Eve, he had two things left that he thought he'd give to them.
God said: "I have two things left to give you, one is the art of peeing while standing.."
Adam interrupted him: "Me, I want it, that sounds like fun! Life would be much easier and more fun!"
God looked over at Eve and Eve nodded and said: "Why not, that doesn't sound so necessary for me."
So, God gave this gift to Adam. Adam screamed with joy, hopped up and started peeing all around, ran down to the beach and peed and wondered at the patters he could make in the sand.

God and Eve watched Adam in his joy, and Eve asked God: "What was that other thing you were going to give away as a gift, God?"
"A brain, Eve, a brain."

Today's question: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.

It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond. However, water is a great conductor of electricity and the frog is immediately electrocuted.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

Originally posted by Count Cogliostro
Today's question: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twit vided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

The math teacher to his class:
"50% of you didn't pass the last test we had..!"
And from the back rows of the classrom comes the reply:
"We are not that many in the class.."