When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big $hit he always was."
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Bubba and the Catholics
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The
delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended
Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You
were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom.
She Said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" He did and the little boy said,
"Oh great , now look what you did, you scared the $hit out of him!"
Old man goes to the doctor.
The nurse asks him "what's wrong with you sir?"
The old man looks around at the full waiting room of people within earshot of the desk and says "it's kind of personal".
The nurse says "Sir, I am a nurse and I have heard it all and if you don't tell me what is wrong with you, how can I help you?"
The old man looks around again and says "Alright, my something is wrong with my peter"
Several people in the waiting gasp upon hearing the old man and the nurse chides him "Sir please watch your language, this is a professional office>"
The old man gets aggrivated and says "you asked me, I told you it was personal, then you told me to say it anyway...what did you want me to say?"
The nurse says "Sir you could have said something like "My ear hurts" and then when you got into the exam room you could have told what the real problem was."
The old man gets disgusted and storms out of the office, but he doesn't get far before he realizes he still needs to get his problem fixed, so he goes back inside and walks up to the nurse's station.
The same nurse greets him and syas "Yes sir, what is your problem today?"
The old man looks at her strangely and says "I have a problem with my ear."
The nurse says "What kind of problem are you having with your ear"
The old man says " I can't take a piss out of it."
I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
A woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
Repeat:
'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says,
"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom
These last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says:
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "I'm really pleased darling now don't move! I will
Be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
Sees him standing at the mirror and saying........
.......>>>>
..........>>>
..............>>>>
....................>>>
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
